All of us have our share of suffering and Christians are not exempted from them. We don’t welcome it but we seldom have much control. Father Henri Nouwen says:
“It is an on going temptation to think of our lives as living under a curse. The loss of a friend, an illness, an accident, a natural disaster, a war, or any failure can make us quickly think that we are no good and are being punished. This temptation to think of our lives as full of curses is even greater when all the media present us day after day with stories about human misery.
Jesus came to bless us, not to curse us. But we must choose to receive that blessing and hand it on to others. Blessings and curses are always placed in front of us. We are to choose. God says, ‘Choose the blessings!’” (Bread for the Journey, Sept 8)
“To bless means to say good things. We have to bless one another constantly. Parents need to bless their children, children their parents, husbands their wives, wives their husbands, friends their friends. In our society, so full of curses, we must fill each place we enter with our blessings. We forget so quickly that we are God’s beloved children and allow the many curses of our world to darken our hearts. Therefore, we have to be reminded of our belovedness and remind others of theirs. Whether the blessing is given in words or with gestures, in a solemn or an informal way, our lives need to be blessed lives.” (Bread for the Journey, Sept 7)
We bless ourselves:
·when we give thanks with a grateful heart.
·when we listen to the quiet, inner voice that says good things about ourselves.
·when we affirm ourselves and know that we have given the best of ourselves in whatever we have worked on.
·when we shut out the loud, busy outer voice that says we are being punished.
We bless others:
·when we speak good things about them and to them.
·when we show by our gestures that their presence is a joy to us.
·when we reveal to them their gifts, their goodness and their talents.
1. Our reactions immediately after an unpleasant event happens
When we lose our job, when we have an abusive boss, when a car accident happens, when we are robbed, when we are seriously ill, when we have cancer, the immediate question “Why?” emerges. “Why me?” “Why now?” “Why here?” “What have I done wrong?” “Why am I being punished?” It is so difficult to live without an answer to this “Why?” But, if we are too focused and obsessed with finding the answers to these questions of the causes of these events, we are more likely to end up being angry and bitter. Bitterness will turn us away from God and thus we curse ourselves.
In order to help me see my suffering and pain in a new light, I have to change my focus. Now that the unpleasant event has happened, what should my response be? By concentrating on my response, I am more likely to end up turning to God, trusting Him and blessing myself. How is this done? Mother Teresa advised, “Just accept whatever He gives and give whatever He takes with a big smile.” (The Wisdom of Mother Teresa, 42) Who can do that? I can’t do it. It is impossible for me to accept with a smile this suffering and adversity. Whenever I say anything is impossible, I have inadvertently put a curse on myself! I have shut out all possibilities. But I may be able to accept it with a smile, if I truly believe that “God loves me” (John 15:9 TEV) and that “I am precious to Him” (Isaiah 43:4 TEV). How? This requires a change in mindset and heart-set because if I am precious to God, then it stands to reason that He cares for me and knows my suffering and hardships and that He has permitted, allowed, sent or given them to me. Furthermore, I will surely be able to smile if I turn to God and wholeheartedly believe that with God’s help all things are possible as, “This is impossible with human beings, but for God everything is possible” (Matthew 19:26 TEV). When I embrace this truth, I bless myself. Therefore, I must trust that God has allowed the suffering to be a means of discipline through which faith, love, patience and grace may be cultivated in my life. God will not allow my suffering and pain to be wasted and to be of no value to me. God will see me through my suffering and will carry me through it all but I have to keep reminding myself that, ”I have the strength to face all conditions by the power that Christ gives me.” (Philippians 4:13 TEV) And “God has given us a spirit of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7 TEV). This belief, this constant repetition will help me to face my suffering and hardships in a new perspective. What I need to do is to turn to God, do my best under the circumstances and trust Him to turn it round for my good. God promises to take “all things” including suffering, abuses, evil things, and turn them round for good as “in all things God works for good with those who love Him”(Romans 8:28 TEV).
But what is for our good? This is for the individual to pray and with God’s help to discover. He needs to constantly search for himself answers to the questions: “What is the seed of equivalent good in my suffering?” “What is the seed of equivalent benefit in my adversity?” Some good traits which we may develop can be more patience, more consideration, less arrogance and less resentment.
Remember, all God requires of us is to come to Him in prayer and trust Him completely. Trust Him to turn our lives around. He will not fail us because we can trust God “who always keeps His promise.” (1 Peter 4:19 TEV) We do our part and give of our best and He will do His part. When we turn to God, God will work WITH us to turn the suffering and pain round for our good. The circumstances, the pain, the suffering, the hardship or the adversity may still be there and may not change much BUT our response and internal attitude towards them will certainly change. Yes, we can take God at His Word that He will help us, comfort us, strengthen us and support us through our pain and suffering. Then, suffering can become a turning point from which we take our greatest leap forward in our faith in God. When we trust God, God gives us the hope and courage to look suffering in the face and to go through it confidently with a renewed spirit and heart. Our suffering will, hopefully, turn us round to come in closer touch with the presence of God in our lives. The great secret in life is that suffering can become a source of new hope and new life. We will then learn to accept it with a smile. This is indeed a blessing.
2. Our memory of events long after they happened
How we recount these unpleasant experiences is also vitally important. When we constantly recount them:
· with blaming God,
· with blaming others,
· with cursing our fate,
· with anger,
· with fear,
· with regret,
· with the feeling of being victimised,
then we put these events under the curse. When we feel we are being punished, the feeling of being cursed comes easily. We will hear an inner voice calling us “bad,” “rotten,” “worthless,” “useless,” “doomed to sickness and death.” We darken our hearts and live our lives with bitterness and resentment. So, we unconsciously curse ourselves.
But blessing is nothing more than recounting positively these events:
· with what God has helped us to endure or overcome,
· with what patience our family and friends have stood by us,
· with what we have learnt out of the events, and
· with hope, courage and love.
Then we put these experiences under the blessing and we consciously bless ourselves.
Henri Nouwen says, “In Latin, to bless is benedicere. The word ‘benediction’ that is used in many churches means literally: speaking (dictio) well (bene) or saying good things of someone. That speaks to me. I need to hear good things said of me, and I know how much you have the same need. Nowadays, we often say: ‘We have to affirm each other.’ Without affirmations, it is hard to live well. To give someone a blessing is the most significant affirmation we can offer. It is more than a word of praise or appreciation; it is more than pointing out someone’s talents or good deeds; it is more than putting someone in the light. To give a blessing is to affirm, to say ‘yes’ to a person’s Belovedness. And more than that: to give a blessing creates the reality of which it speaks. There is a lot of mutual admiration in this world, just as there is a lot of mutual condemnation. A blessing goes beyond the distinction between admiration or condemnation, between virtues or vices, between good deeds or evil deeds. A blessing touches the original goodness of the other and calls forth his or her Belovedness.” (Life of the Beloved, 56)
Physical, mental or emotional pain lived under the blessing is experienced in ways radically different from physical, mental or emotional pain lived under the curse. Even a small burden, perceived as a sign of our worthlessness, can lead us to deep depression. But, great and heavy burdens become light and easy when they are lived in the light of the blessing. What seems intolerable becomes a challenge. What seems a reason for despair becomes a source of hope. What seems punishment becomes a gentle pruning from God. What seems rejection becomes a way to a deeper communion with God. And so the great task becomes that of allowing the blessing to touch us in our brokenness. Then our brokenness will gradually come to be seen as an opening towards the full acceptance of ourselves as the Beloved children of God. This explains why true joy can be experienced in the midst of great suffering. It is the joy of being disciplined, purified and pruned. Just as athletes who experience great pain as they run the race can, at the same time, taste the joy of knowing that they are coming closer to their goal, so also can the Beloved experience suffering as a way to deeper communion with God. Here joy and sorrow are no longer each other’s opposites, but have become the two sides of the same desire to grow to the fullness of the Beloved. For this blessed attitude to take root, we have to have deep faith that God loves us unconditionally and that we are the beloved children of God, very precious to Him.
God sent Jesus to bless us, “God. . . sent Him to bless you” (Acts 3:26 NJB) and Jesus himself has blessed us with every spiritual blessing, “our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with all the spiritual blessings” (Ephesians 1:3 NJB). Jesus shows us by His Words and Deeds how to live a blessed life, “Blessed are those who do His commandments” (Revelation 22:14 NKJV). Jesus creates a whole new blessed environment for us to dwell in and, ”how happy are those who hear the word of God and obey it!"(Luke 11:28 TEV) We have to choose to stay in that place with Him and to hand His blessings on to others to make our blessings grow and multiply.
Remember, no one is brought to life through curses, blaming, gossips, accusations and punishment. But every one is brought to life through blessings, encouragement, affirmations, praises, rewards and forgiveness.
Credit to Bro. James Lau for his contribution in sharing this article.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Back To Blogging Again!!
Phew!! Finally I'm now back to blogging. Have been a lot of ups and downs that prevents me from writing on the blog (business in assignments, facing a lot of unnecessary trouble and so on) yet I'm grateful to God that I'm able to resume where I've stop (even when I'm in the midst of study week for exam! :P) Anyway just want to say that the Hebraic Prophet is back again after a long period of quietness and silence (or both words have the same meaning? O_o) Will start posting something later on so keep updated!! Cheerio!!!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Servant Leadership by Pastor Gideon Yong
What is Christian Leadership all about? Christian leadership to me is, first and foremost servant leadership. It is not about power or position. It is definitely not about control. Our role is the role of a servant. It is found in giving ourselves in service to others and not coaxing others to serve you. As Philippians 2: 3-7 says: Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men.
Here we see that one of the fundamental truths of being a leader is to look out for the interest of others and not to look out for our own interest only. Even Jesus came as a bondservant to serve those He came to save. Another verse that comes to mind is in John 13 where Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. This was an example of Jesus' servant leadership.
I know that at times we are tempted to be great in the eyes of the people we lead. This may come as a surprise to some of us but the need to be great comes from some deep issues of insecurity within us. Serving God is not about trying to be great but rather through the inner workings of the Spirit, by having the right motive of serving and with great patience, with firm decision-making, all for the good of those we serve. This is when respect and greatness comes. In Matthew 20:26-28 says: "Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.
Therefore true greatness does not come by serving on the fast track but comes only by way of servanthood and leadership through becoming a slave of all. I think most of us would already know that humility is a quality in a leader that should be ever growing and increasing.
What if you are the pastor and the leader under you is an older person, has higher qualifications or better charisma than you, which may make you feel intimidated and uneasy? Ask yourself, why would some of us feel intimidated and uneasy? Must our servanthood be tied in with our qualification or age? Do higher qualifications determine how good we are as servant leaders? I am sure you see the pattern of my rhetorical questioning, that our fears are not founded on valid facts or reasons. There is no reason for us to fear or feel inadequate. Let our life speak on the pulpit by first serving the people. Let the people sense and see our dedication, commitment and love by our service unto them and our taking care of them. So what if someone in the congregation has said something that made us feel unqualified to take up the position in the church. I think we need to stop trying to please everybody because it is impossible to please everybody. Servant leadership is not about people seeing what you do or praising you all the time. In fact it is the hidden path of sacrificial service and approval of the Lord over the flamboyant self-advertising of the world. You are the pastor of the church because God put you there.
Do not ever be discouraged by criticisms for they are helpful to us. Get the attitude that says, the humble person can learn from petty criticism, even malicious criticism. Do not let criticism defeat us because in every criticism there will be an element of truth in it and if we are wise and humble, we can and will profit from it. No leader in the world is exempt from criticism where his humility is thoroughly tested. It is how you react to it that determines your future. Someone once said, When people spit on you, you get wet not mad, it's just that we choose to get mad . And again do not let criticism defeat us and depress us to the point of immobilizing us in our confidence to serve the people. Even the apostle Paul taught never to let criticism get to you in 1 Corinthians 4:3 - 4: But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by a human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I know of nothing against myself, yet I am not justified by this; but He who judges me is the Lord.
Here we see that one of the fundamental truths of being a leader is to look out for the interest of others and not to look out for our own interest only. Even Jesus came as a bondservant to serve those He came to save. Another verse that comes to mind is in John 13 where Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. This was an example of Jesus' servant leadership.
I know that at times we are tempted to be great in the eyes of the people we lead. This may come as a surprise to some of us but the need to be great comes from some deep issues of insecurity within us. Serving God is not about trying to be great but rather through the inner workings of the Spirit, by having the right motive of serving and with great patience, with firm decision-making, all for the good of those we serve. This is when respect and greatness comes. In Matthew 20:26-28 says: "Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.
Therefore true greatness does not come by serving on the fast track but comes only by way of servanthood and leadership through becoming a slave of all. I think most of us would already know that humility is a quality in a leader that should be ever growing and increasing.
What if you are the pastor and the leader under you is an older person, has higher qualifications or better charisma than you, which may make you feel intimidated and uneasy? Ask yourself, why would some of us feel intimidated and uneasy? Must our servanthood be tied in with our qualification or age? Do higher qualifications determine how good we are as servant leaders? I am sure you see the pattern of my rhetorical questioning, that our fears are not founded on valid facts or reasons. There is no reason for us to fear or feel inadequate. Let our life speak on the pulpit by first serving the people. Let the people sense and see our dedication, commitment and love by our service unto them and our taking care of them. So what if someone in the congregation has said something that made us feel unqualified to take up the position in the church. I think we need to stop trying to please everybody because it is impossible to please everybody. Servant leadership is not about people seeing what you do or praising you all the time. In fact it is the hidden path of sacrificial service and approval of the Lord over the flamboyant self-advertising of the world. You are the pastor of the church because God put you there.
Do not ever be discouraged by criticisms for they are helpful to us. Get the attitude that says, the humble person can learn from petty criticism, even malicious criticism. Do not let criticism defeat us because in every criticism there will be an element of truth in it and if we are wise and humble, we can and will profit from it. No leader in the world is exempt from criticism where his humility is thoroughly tested. It is how you react to it that determines your future. Someone once said, When people spit on you, you get wet not mad, it's just that we choose to get mad . And again do not let criticism defeat us and depress us to the point of immobilizing us in our confidence to serve the people. Even the apostle Paul taught never to let criticism get to you in 1 Corinthians 4:3 - 4: But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by a human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I know of nothing against myself, yet I am not justified by this; but He who judges me is the Lord.
Integrity in Worship Leading
Adapted from an article by Scot Longyear.
by Rev. Brian Ranjan, Senior Pastor of Putera Aman Assembly, Seri Kembangan
I would like to share some thoughts on worship leading, borrowing from Scot Longyear's article on 'Worship Leading Essentials' and making it relevant for us in Malaysia.
Worship Leaders Lead Worship
The road to 'true worship' begins with a right attitude to worship. For the worship leader, daily time with God is a non-negotiable. Your spiritual base is more important than your vocals and your leadership ability. Worship leaders lead worship. They don't lead music. So where are you when it comes to your spirituality and worship leading? Here is a good test. Listen to the things that you say before a set or a song, or listen to the prayers that you pray during a set. Are they words that are coming from your quiet time? Are they the same old tired things that have been overused and are simply not authentic? This can become a checkpoint for us. We hear phrases like, 'We love you God, We praise you, You are good' but they are borrowed rather than being original. There is simply no substitute for connecting with the One we have given our life to. Stand as an authentic worshipper of God, connecting daily to the word, letting the Holy Spirit shape your life like Christ.
Letting Go
Is my guitar in tune? How is the tempo? Is everyone participating? Sounds like the keys missed a note. Are the vocals loud enough? What is the next song? I think I forgot the transition coming up . . . . The list never ends. The real question is: How do we deal with all the details and actually worship while we are leading? Close your eyes. Sometimes we have to close our eyes just to shut the room out and focus our singing and playing towards God. Our eyes can find too many distractions, which sets our mind running ('Is that guy leaving or going to the bathroom'). When we close our eyes, we hear and feel the music, concentrate on the words, focus our attention on God and it sets an example to the people we lead. People see that we are not focused on the music, but on God and they are visibly encouraged to do the same.
Open Your Eyes Too!
It's a delicate balance. Part of being a worship leader is 'to be lost in the worship.' Let's not go so far ahead of people that we leave them in the behind. When we are not paying attention to the people's response, we can actually overlook the people who are praying or crying. How can we define a successful worship gathering? I'm sure you've heard members say "... that was bad worship." We can define a successful worship by answering this simple question: Were people able to connect with Christ? At the end of the day our purpose should be to draw people to God and to experience the touch of God. The truth of the matter is that you are not in control; God is. And He is bigger than anything that might happen. Do your absolute best and have fun. If you enjoy leading, it will tell through your face. Get so lost in worship that you naturally draw others along with you and God finds your worship so appealing that He can't help but show His pleasure, and you can't help but smile.
by Rev. Brian Ranjan, Senior Pastor of Putera Aman Assembly, Seri Kembangan
I would like to share some thoughts on worship leading, borrowing from Scot Longyear's article on 'Worship Leading Essentials' and making it relevant for us in Malaysia.
Worship Leaders Lead Worship
The road to 'true worship' begins with a right attitude to worship. For the worship leader, daily time with God is a non-negotiable. Your spiritual base is more important than your vocals and your leadership ability. Worship leaders lead worship. They don't lead music. So where are you when it comes to your spirituality and worship leading? Here is a good test. Listen to the things that you say before a set or a song, or listen to the prayers that you pray during a set. Are they words that are coming from your quiet time? Are they the same old tired things that have been overused and are simply not authentic? This can become a checkpoint for us. We hear phrases like, 'We love you God, We praise you, You are good' but they are borrowed rather than being original. There is simply no substitute for connecting with the One we have given our life to. Stand as an authentic worshipper of God, connecting daily to the word, letting the Holy Spirit shape your life like Christ.
Letting Go
Is my guitar in tune? How is the tempo? Is everyone participating? Sounds like the keys missed a note. Are the vocals loud enough? What is the next song? I think I forgot the transition coming up . . . . The list never ends. The real question is: How do we deal with all the details and actually worship while we are leading? Close your eyes. Sometimes we have to close our eyes just to shut the room out and focus our singing and playing towards God. Our eyes can find too many distractions, which sets our mind running ('Is that guy leaving or going to the bathroom'). When we close our eyes, we hear and feel the music, concentrate on the words, focus our attention on God and it sets an example to the people we lead. People see that we are not focused on the music, but on God and they are visibly encouraged to do the same.
Open Your Eyes Too!
It's a delicate balance. Part of being a worship leader is 'to be lost in the worship.' Let's not go so far ahead of people that we leave them in the behind. When we are not paying attention to the people's response, we can actually overlook the people who are praying or crying. How can we define a successful worship gathering? I'm sure you've heard members say "... that was bad worship." We can define a successful worship by answering this simple question: Were people able to connect with Christ? At the end of the day our purpose should be to draw people to God and to experience the touch of God. The truth of the matter is that you are not in control; God is. And He is bigger than anything that might happen. Do your absolute best and have fun. If you enjoy leading, it will tell through your face. Get so lost in worship that you naturally draw others along with you and God finds your worship so appealing that He can't help but show His pleasure, and you can't help but smile.
Friday, April 3, 2009
To The Ends Of The Earth
Good Friday is near and a lot of events is happening around the corner. I really hope that during the whole week before Good Friday I would be able to do something that could really show that my life is totally different than the one in the past. I pray that God would give me the strength and power to be His witness in everything for all that he has done for me on the cross. I dedicate this song to my Father in Heaven and to the One who has given me another to live a new and different life.
To The Ends Of The Earth
love unfailing
overtaking my heart
you take me in,
finding peace again.
fear is lost in all you are.
and I would give the world
to tell your story.
'cause I know that you've called me.
I know that you've called me...
I've lost myself for good
within your promise.
and I wont hide it... I wont hide it
Chorus
Jesus,I believe in you
and I would go,
to the ends of the earth
to the ends of the earth
for you, alone are the son of God...
and all the world will see
that you are God
that you are God...
May all glory and power be unto the name of Jesus forever, Amen.
To The Ends Of The Earth
love unfailing
overtaking my heart
you take me in,
finding peace again.
fear is lost in all you are.
and I would give the world
to tell your story.
'cause I know that you've called me.
I know that you've called me...
I've lost myself for good
within your promise.
and I wont hide it... I wont hide it
Chorus
Jesus,I believe in you
and I would go,
to the ends of the earth
to the ends of the earth
for you, alone are the son of God...
and all the world will see
that you are God
that you are God...
May all glory and power be unto the name of Jesus forever, Amen.
Monday, March 30, 2009
10 Ways To Destroy A Relationship
It's already a long time since I've posted anything on this blog. Well, I could say that I'm quite busy with assignments, lecture classes that popped up out of nowhere and of course tiresome moments of having to see things that are unpleasant(??). I really can say that this is a thing or so in my life as a teacher trainee in a small teacher training college in Sungai Petani.... Hey, what am I talking now? I think it's time to say something that can really give encouragement to others, not discouraging people in the faith that we have have in Christ. Now it's the time to say something that would be a good reminder to everyone.
Okay, so how can one destroy a relationship? Here's how it goes:
Number One: Manipulate people. You tend to threaten or blackmail people in order to gain advantage on them, thus having them to do your dirty works( mind the language)
Number Two: Tell lies to others. You often tell lies about yourself or others so that you could gain their trust. But actually this is not helping at all but instead it's pulling your reputation down as without trust in one another the relationship would eventually die out.
Number Three: Gossiping about people. This is the worst offense of all that could REALLY DISSOLVE A RELATIONSHIP whether it's friendship or a love relationship. (I've experienced it once and it's definitely a very painful thing to accept) (Read Proverbs 16:28,17:9)
Number Four: Ignoring people at the crucial time of their lives. This is one of the things that one would tend to do especially when the friend that is in despair needs your support and help very much. When you fail to help, that would mean the end of the relationship no matter how long it has been going. (Read Proverbs 17:7)
Number Five: Rejecting people. You tend to develop prejudice towards people because of their differences in background, race or culture. Being a racist yourself is already one of the ways to destroy any relationship that might slightly exist without one knowing.
Number Six: Overstaying your welcome at people's homes. I'm not trying to be rude here but it's the fact that when we go to our friend's house frequently you might end the relationship because you're not giving your friend any respect in privacy. It is considered rude for going to a friend's house too often. (Read Proverbs 25:17)
Number Seven: Always talk about yourself. When you're talking to your friend and you kept on emphasizing your own thoughts or feelings too much this would show to others how selfish you are and you're being inconsiderate towards other people's feeling. (Read Proverbs 10:19. James 1:19)
Number Eight: Promise to do something for people but not doing it. When you fail to do something urgent e.g. helping someone to take care of their house or precious belongings or do some work, this is a sign for the friend that you're not the trustworthy type and you've proven yourself being a person who breaks promises.
Number Nine: Borrow money and not paying it back. This is the slightest problem that one may tend to avoid but it would eventually become a big problem as you are not being honest to your friend. There's no point of borrowing money from or to a friend when the money can't be returned as promised.
Number Ten: Embarrassing people in front of others. This is the MOST EFFECTIVE AND MOST DESTRUCTIVE WAY TO END A RELATIONSHIP. When you demean others in front of people you are actually asking for the relationship to end. Not by your own request but by your irresponsible action being mentioned.(again I've experienced it and really I've resolve that it would be the end of the friendship between me and that certain person.) If you do that, then it's goodbye to your relationship with your buddy or pal.
Well that's all you have for now, the ten ways to destroy a relationship. Just hope that none of us forget about the importance of maintaining a relationship and how one should avoid doing something like the above mentioned. In the next blog I'll share about the 8 keys of successsful relationship.
Okay, so how can one destroy a relationship? Here's how it goes:
Number One: Manipulate people. You tend to threaten or blackmail people in order to gain advantage on them, thus having them to do your dirty works( mind the language)
Number Two: Tell lies to others. You often tell lies about yourself or others so that you could gain their trust. But actually this is not helping at all but instead it's pulling your reputation down as without trust in one another the relationship would eventually die out.
Number Three: Gossiping about people. This is the worst offense of all that could REALLY DISSOLVE A RELATIONSHIP whether it's friendship or a love relationship. (I've experienced it once and it's definitely a very painful thing to accept) (Read Proverbs 16:28,17:9)
Number Four: Ignoring people at the crucial time of their lives. This is one of the things that one would tend to do especially when the friend that is in despair needs your support and help very much. When you fail to help, that would mean the end of the relationship no matter how long it has been going. (Read Proverbs 17:7)
Number Five: Rejecting people. You tend to develop prejudice towards people because of their differences in background, race or culture. Being a racist yourself is already one of the ways to destroy any relationship that might slightly exist without one knowing.
Number Six: Overstaying your welcome at people's homes. I'm not trying to be rude here but it's the fact that when we go to our friend's house frequently you might end the relationship because you're not giving your friend any respect in privacy. It is considered rude for going to a friend's house too often. (Read Proverbs 25:17)
Number Seven: Always talk about yourself. When you're talking to your friend and you kept on emphasizing your own thoughts or feelings too much this would show to others how selfish you are and you're being inconsiderate towards other people's feeling. (Read Proverbs 10:19. James 1:19)
Number Eight: Promise to do something for people but not doing it. When you fail to do something urgent e.g. helping someone to take care of their house or precious belongings or do some work, this is a sign for the friend that you're not the trustworthy type and you've proven yourself being a person who breaks promises.
Number Nine: Borrow money and not paying it back. This is the slightest problem that one may tend to avoid but it would eventually become a big problem as you are not being honest to your friend. There's no point of borrowing money from or to a friend when the money can't be returned as promised.
Number Ten: Embarrassing people in front of others. This is the MOST EFFECTIVE AND MOST DESTRUCTIVE WAY TO END A RELATIONSHIP. When you demean others in front of people you are actually asking for the relationship to end. Not by your own request but by your irresponsible action being mentioned.(again I've experienced it and really I've resolve that it would be the end of the friendship between me and that certain person.) If you do that, then it's goodbye to your relationship with your buddy or pal.
Well that's all you have for now, the ten ways to destroy a relationship. Just hope that none of us forget about the importance of maintaining a relationship and how one should avoid doing something like the above mentioned. In the next blog I'll share about the 8 keys of successsful relationship.
BOYS & GIRLS RELATIONSHIP
The purpose of dating, marriage or finding a life-partner
The wrong purposes:
• Pride and to show off to friends
• Sexual gratification
• Social pressure
• Temporal and seasonal fun
• Sense of incompleteness
Is it true that you can find "completeness" through one another?
Are you normal if you are single and unmarried?
How important is it for you to find your Ms. or Mr. Right to appear?
The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."(Genesis 2:18)
The scripture states that God did not want us to be alone. Yet recognize foremost that:
•Singleness is not a curse, as God created us to be unique and is worthy.
•Your season of singleness is a time to equip yourself by growing in relationship with Him and serve Him 100% without distraction.
•It is also a season to equip yourself by learning to love one another in the holy way.
The scripture above also states the right purposes of having a life-partner:
•To have companionship. Marriage is the most intimate relationship between two persons, secondary to the relationship between the individual and God.
• To have mutual help. This implies:
oThe spouse must be suitable in terms of having skills, character, and physical attributes that complement one another.
o It must create synergy (being more effective than 2 serving separately)
o They must mutually support, backup and protect each other.
o A decisive choice to use the enhanced effectiveness to serve God together.
• Another purpose of having a life-partner is to produce Godly offspring.
Marriage is not a lottery game. Its success does not depend on "bumping" into the right person by chance. Marriage is a commitment between 2 people, which stand for the rest of their lives. God has already pre-arranged your future spouse according to His will and in His timing. And only abiding to His plan can the marriage endure the winds of time.
Nine BGR (BOYS & GIRLS RELATIONSHIP) Know Facts
1.Couples who engage in premarital sex are more likely to break up before marriage than those who do not. The young woman has a higher chance to keep a boyfriend if she does not give in.
2.Though the times have changed, many men yet do not want to marry a woman who has had sex with someone else. Good men will respect a woman of integrity. If a man threatens to dump you without pre-marital sex, you better dump the man first.
3.Virgins tend to have happier marriages than non-virgins. Your virginity can only be given once to one person - and you want to give to the right one assigned by God.
4.Those who have sex before marriage are more likely to split up or be divorced after marriage. The more premarital sex the individuals have had, the greater the tendency to doubt or to suspect one another.
5.Non-virgins are more likely to commit adultery after they are married than virgins -having no concept that sex with other people is not OK.
6.Non-virgins are more likely to be fooled into marrying the wrong person than virgins. Sex can blind you. So we need to examine our inner motivations for getting into BGR relationships other than sex drive.
7.Persons with premarital sex experience are less likely to be satisfied with their total sex life after marriage. You will never forget the first time you make love and therefore tend to compare.
8.Having sex before marriage can push you into a poor marriage. Often a couple become serious and think that they will marry, so they have sex, only to find out later that it was a mismatched. Yet bound by guilt or responsibility that they are pushed into marriage.
9.Having sex before marriage tends to spoil sex after marriage - either there is guilt, fear, and loss of self-esteem, or they cannot easily satisfy their sexual gratification and therefore look for wrongful ways to enhance sexual drive.
Ten Wrong Understandings about Love
1.A girl "owes" a fellow something for a wonderful evening - Love is not a trade.
2.Necking and petting are LK as long as it doesn't go any further - Necking & petting can progress into something else.
3.The time to decide how you will handle a problem on date is when the problem comes up - Decide now so that when time comes, you will be alert before any affections or emotions are given out.
4.Christians can date another person as long as he or she is a Christian - Christians dating Christians is a must, but not the only prerequisite.
5.Having strong feelings of love for someone is true love - Feelings are temporal. True love encompass a commitment and must be mutual.
6.Love at first sight yet exists - In most cases it is not true, as first sight is only physical attraction. One cannot see through the soul and mind of the other person.
7.Saying "yes" to a fellow and having sex with him will cause him to love and appreciate you more - Do you want your spouse to appreciate you only base on sex?
8.It is not wrong to have sex with someone if you love each other and have a meaningful relationship - No matter how much you love one another, even if the two persons are already engaged, premarital sex is yet a sin. God gives sex only to couples who are married as the most precious gift.
9.A good sex life is all that is needed for a happy marriage - Sex will enhance the bondage between a couple, but it is not the most important element.
10.Only "myself" will understand and distinguish true love and infatuation - The Chinese saying, "the person inside the incidence is blinded by the incidence" stands. You may like to eat durian but never realize the smell of durian can affect people around you.
Sound advice
1.Avoid living for the moment - marriage is meant for a lifetime.
2.Avoid living for good feelings - sense over sensibility, look for the facts.
3.Avoid sexual immorality - God hates sin. Caressing someone's body or kissing out of lust is the same sin as having sex.
4.Avoid getting into a relationship hastily - true love waits. Think about how many more years until you are going to get married to start this journey until death.
5.Avoid "following the crowd" - being single is perfectly fine. God has a purpose for you as a single.
6.Avoid marring with the expectation of changing the other person - only God can change a person's character. Doing it by yourself ends up in struggles and arguments for both.
7.Avoid living together to try out the compatibility - this is ripping off the privilege of your marriage life.
8.Avoid dating non-Christians - there are different goals. In most cases, the non-Christians will drag the Christian away from God rather than the other way around.
9.Avoid dating if you are not thinking of marrying - you are not only distracting yourself from the focus on God, but also affecting the life of another Christian. Also the possibility of broken relationship only brings scars in life.
What is true love?
Nobody yet understands fully the perfect love that resembles God's love, but we can learn more day by day. Therefore if you want to know how to love, the primary focus is to learn how God loves us and how we can love God.
How to Formulate Godly Relationship - 5 stages of relationship development
1.Fellowship
o In a local church environment with built in accountability for one another. Our responsibility at this stage is to stir up each other's faith.
o We relate to one another as normal brother and sister in Christ.
2.Friendship
o Sticking close to each other than a brother, with more opportunities to work and serve together with effectiveness.
o A stage of pure friendship and working partners, with no hidden agenda.
o Learning about each other in normal daily settings, such as behaviors/attitudes towards other people, dependability towards assigned works, consistency in serving God, response towards leaders' corrections.
o Observe how the other person handle difficult situation in life (work pressure, life crisis management, etc.)
o Develop freedom to correct each other.
o Develop in utilizing to the full extent spiritual gifting both on individual and partnership level.
o This is a stage whereby God refines the characters separately, in preparation not for marriage, but for spiritual growth and for service.
3.Courtship
o Do not engage in this level if you have no intention to get married!
o Jointly seek God's will together through prayer, consultation with leaders, observations of spiritual maturity and capability.
o Prayer - decide whether to formulate this special relationship by setting aside a period for prayer.
o Consult - a blessed relationship is not just between 2 people, but should be a blessing to all people around us.
o Be accountable to the spiritual leaders so as to protect us from making the wrong decision and unnecessary embarrassment (especially when love is one-sided), and to protect us from affecting relationship between brothers & sisters.
o Being accountable is to ask before making decision, not informing after making decision.
o Be honorable - commit the relationship entirely to God for approval before deciding to go ahead.
o Integrity - promise to keep the relationship proper, with maximum self-control and discipline.
o There must be mutual acceptance and appreciation in biblical (unconditional) way, and the goal is yet to serve God with undivided attention.
o This stage may take years, as God may need to test or further equip the individuals. Therefore patience is essential to wait for the right timing, especially if one party is still studying or immature.
o Does not necessarily ended up in confirmation and dating.
o If things does not work out, the two remain brothers and sisters without feelings of bitterness.
4. Engagement
o With confirmation from God, the couple already has a commitment to marry each other. It is only then the dating starts.
o Once engaged, the couple is regarded husband and wife, except having marital status.
o Guarding against sexual impurity is all the more important at this stage because the temptation becomes greater.
o Both people should continue to grow but with a direction of building up a family to serve together rather than separately.
o Continue to be accountable towards leaders, especially about inner thoughts, which may cause sexual impurity.
o Avoid getting too "sticky" with each other. Again, a blessed relationship is not only a blessing to the 2 persons involved.
5. Marriage
o Covenantal relationship that last for a lifetime.
o A correct and complete sequence should be: Celebration - public wedding in the presence of God and the church; Commitment - conventionally related as husband and wife; Consummation - enjoy the gift of sexual relationship within marriage.
o The order must be right and the sequence must also be complete.
o Do not reverse the order and put sex first. It is only through the commitment of marriage that sexual fulfillment is found.
How to Choose a Life-Partner: Factors to consider during Friendship stage before entering courtship
• Observe the spiritual life of the other party;
o Born again Christian
o Committed Christian
o Mature in Christian character and thinking
o Spiritual gifts that compensate and complement
• Share the same vision from God;
• Confirmation from God himself, godly counselors / spiritual leaders, and from parents;
• Social / mental union compatibility - education, age and culture;
• Likes and dislikes;
• Habits;
• Attitudes, values and habits do not compliment but they should be similar;
• Emotionally, the two must be able to work together. They should be able to support each other as friends and get along well with each other in daily life;
• Physical union compatibility - physical stature such as height and weight, medical conditions, natural talents and gifting.
An acid test to know whether you should proceed with courtship: If your (a) ministry, (b) studies/work and (c) testimony (no stumbling block to anyone) are getting better, then proceed; else hold on and revert.
A God blessed relationship naturally proves that two is better than one. If not, we need to examine our inter motivation for desiring BGR. We are probably not having the right footing in relationships.
It must be beneficial to the Kingdom of God. If we devote ourselves in God's purposes, we will always get the best from God.
It must be practical at the same time in terms of financial readiness, timing, maturity level, etc. Ask advice from someone who will dare to tell you things that you need to hear, but you may not like to hear.
Conclusion
Practice selfless love.
Think in Kingdom terms.
Maximize effort to serve God in your singlehood.
The wrong purposes:
• Pride and to show off to friends
• Sexual gratification
• Social pressure
• Temporal and seasonal fun
• Sense of incompleteness
Is it true that you can find "completeness" through one another?
Are you normal if you are single and unmarried?
How important is it for you to find your Ms. or Mr. Right to appear?
The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."(Genesis 2:18)
The scripture states that God did not want us to be alone. Yet recognize foremost that:
•Singleness is not a curse, as God created us to be unique and is worthy.
•Your season of singleness is a time to equip yourself by growing in relationship with Him and serve Him 100% without distraction.
•It is also a season to equip yourself by learning to love one another in the holy way.
The scripture above also states the right purposes of having a life-partner:
•To have companionship. Marriage is the most intimate relationship between two persons, secondary to the relationship between the individual and God.
• To have mutual help. This implies:
oThe spouse must be suitable in terms of having skills, character, and physical attributes that complement one another.
o It must create synergy (being more effective than 2 serving separately)
o They must mutually support, backup and protect each other.
o A decisive choice to use the enhanced effectiveness to serve God together.
• Another purpose of having a life-partner is to produce Godly offspring.
Marriage is not a lottery game. Its success does not depend on "bumping" into the right person by chance. Marriage is a commitment between 2 people, which stand for the rest of their lives. God has already pre-arranged your future spouse according to His will and in His timing. And only abiding to His plan can the marriage endure the winds of time.
Nine BGR (BOYS & GIRLS RELATIONSHIP) Know Facts
1.Couples who engage in premarital sex are more likely to break up before marriage than those who do not. The young woman has a higher chance to keep a boyfriend if she does not give in.
2.Though the times have changed, many men yet do not want to marry a woman who has had sex with someone else. Good men will respect a woman of integrity. If a man threatens to dump you without pre-marital sex, you better dump the man first.
3.Virgins tend to have happier marriages than non-virgins. Your virginity can only be given once to one person - and you want to give to the right one assigned by God.
4.Those who have sex before marriage are more likely to split up or be divorced after marriage. The more premarital sex the individuals have had, the greater the tendency to doubt or to suspect one another.
5.Non-virgins are more likely to commit adultery after they are married than virgins -having no concept that sex with other people is not OK.
6.Non-virgins are more likely to be fooled into marrying the wrong person than virgins. Sex can blind you. So we need to examine our inner motivations for getting into BGR relationships other than sex drive.
7.Persons with premarital sex experience are less likely to be satisfied with their total sex life after marriage. You will never forget the first time you make love and therefore tend to compare.
8.Having sex before marriage can push you into a poor marriage. Often a couple become serious and think that they will marry, so they have sex, only to find out later that it was a mismatched. Yet bound by guilt or responsibility that they are pushed into marriage.
9.Having sex before marriage tends to spoil sex after marriage - either there is guilt, fear, and loss of self-esteem, or they cannot easily satisfy their sexual gratification and therefore look for wrongful ways to enhance sexual drive.
Ten Wrong Understandings about Love
1.A girl "owes" a fellow something for a wonderful evening - Love is not a trade.
2.Necking and petting are LK as long as it doesn't go any further - Necking & petting can progress into something else.
3.The time to decide how you will handle a problem on date is when the problem comes up - Decide now so that when time comes, you will be alert before any affections or emotions are given out.
4.Christians can date another person as long as he or she is a Christian - Christians dating Christians is a must, but not the only prerequisite.
5.Having strong feelings of love for someone is true love - Feelings are temporal. True love encompass a commitment and must be mutual.
6.Love at first sight yet exists - In most cases it is not true, as first sight is only physical attraction. One cannot see through the soul and mind of the other person.
7.Saying "yes" to a fellow and having sex with him will cause him to love and appreciate you more - Do you want your spouse to appreciate you only base on sex?
8.It is not wrong to have sex with someone if you love each other and have a meaningful relationship - No matter how much you love one another, even if the two persons are already engaged, premarital sex is yet a sin. God gives sex only to couples who are married as the most precious gift.
9.A good sex life is all that is needed for a happy marriage - Sex will enhance the bondage between a couple, but it is not the most important element.
10.Only "myself" will understand and distinguish true love and infatuation - The Chinese saying, "the person inside the incidence is blinded by the incidence" stands. You may like to eat durian but never realize the smell of durian can affect people around you.
Sound advice
1.Avoid living for the moment - marriage is meant for a lifetime.
2.Avoid living for good feelings - sense over sensibility, look for the facts.
3.Avoid sexual immorality - God hates sin. Caressing someone's body or kissing out of lust is the same sin as having sex.
4.Avoid getting into a relationship hastily - true love waits. Think about how many more years until you are going to get married to start this journey until death.
5.Avoid "following the crowd" - being single is perfectly fine. God has a purpose for you as a single.
6.Avoid marring with the expectation of changing the other person - only God can change a person's character. Doing it by yourself ends up in struggles and arguments for both.
7.Avoid living together to try out the compatibility - this is ripping off the privilege of your marriage life.
8.Avoid dating non-Christians - there are different goals. In most cases, the non-Christians will drag the Christian away from God rather than the other way around.
9.Avoid dating if you are not thinking of marrying - you are not only distracting yourself from the focus on God, but also affecting the life of another Christian. Also the possibility of broken relationship only brings scars in life.
What is true love?
Nobody yet understands fully the perfect love that resembles God's love, but we can learn more day by day. Therefore if you want to know how to love, the primary focus is to learn how God loves us and how we can love God.
How to Formulate Godly Relationship - 5 stages of relationship development
1.Fellowship
o In a local church environment with built in accountability for one another. Our responsibility at this stage is to stir up each other's faith.
o We relate to one another as normal brother and sister in Christ.
2.Friendship
o Sticking close to each other than a brother, with more opportunities to work and serve together with effectiveness.
o A stage of pure friendship and working partners, with no hidden agenda.
o Learning about each other in normal daily settings, such as behaviors/attitudes towards other people, dependability towards assigned works, consistency in serving God, response towards leaders' corrections.
o Observe how the other person handle difficult situation in life (work pressure, life crisis management, etc.)
o Develop freedom to correct each other.
o Develop in utilizing to the full extent spiritual gifting both on individual and partnership level.
o This is a stage whereby God refines the characters separately, in preparation not for marriage, but for spiritual growth and for service.
3.Courtship
o Do not engage in this level if you have no intention to get married!
o Jointly seek God's will together through prayer, consultation with leaders, observations of spiritual maturity and capability.
o Prayer - decide whether to formulate this special relationship by setting aside a period for prayer.
o Consult - a blessed relationship is not just between 2 people, but should be a blessing to all people around us.
o Be accountable to the spiritual leaders so as to protect us from making the wrong decision and unnecessary embarrassment (especially when love is one-sided), and to protect us from affecting relationship between brothers & sisters.
o Being accountable is to ask before making decision, not informing after making decision.
o Be honorable - commit the relationship entirely to God for approval before deciding to go ahead.
o Integrity - promise to keep the relationship proper, with maximum self-control and discipline.
o There must be mutual acceptance and appreciation in biblical (unconditional) way, and the goal is yet to serve God with undivided attention.
o This stage may take years, as God may need to test or further equip the individuals. Therefore patience is essential to wait for the right timing, especially if one party is still studying or immature.
o Does not necessarily ended up in confirmation and dating.
o If things does not work out, the two remain brothers and sisters without feelings of bitterness.
4. Engagement
o With confirmation from God, the couple already has a commitment to marry each other. It is only then the dating starts.
o Once engaged, the couple is regarded husband and wife, except having marital status.
o Guarding against sexual impurity is all the more important at this stage because the temptation becomes greater.
o Both people should continue to grow but with a direction of building up a family to serve together rather than separately.
o Continue to be accountable towards leaders, especially about inner thoughts, which may cause sexual impurity.
o Avoid getting too "sticky" with each other. Again, a blessed relationship is not only a blessing to the 2 persons involved.
5. Marriage
o Covenantal relationship that last for a lifetime.
o A correct and complete sequence should be: Celebration - public wedding in the presence of God and the church; Commitment - conventionally related as husband and wife; Consummation - enjoy the gift of sexual relationship within marriage.
o The order must be right and the sequence must also be complete.
o Do not reverse the order and put sex first. It is only through the commitment of marriage that sexual fulfillment is found.
How to Choose a Life-Partner: Factors to consider during Friendship stage before entering courtship
• Observe the spiritual life of the other party;
o Born again Christian
o Committed Christian
o Mature in Christian character and thinking
o Spiritual gifts that compensate and complement
• Share the same vision from God;
• Confirmation from God himself, godly counselors / spiritual leaders, and from parents;
• Social / mental union compatibility - education, age and culture;
• Likes and dislikes;
• Habits;
• Attitudes, values and habits do not compliment but they should be similar;
• Emotionally, the two must be able to work together. They should be able to support each other as friends and get along well with each other in daily life;
• Physical union compatibility - physical stature such as height and weight, medical conditions, natural talents and gifting.
An acid test to know whether you should proceed with courtship: If your (a) ministry, (b) studies/work and (c) testimony (no stumbling block to anyone) are getting better, then proceed; else hold on and revert.
A God blessed relationship naturally proves that two is better than one. If not, we need to examine our inter motivation for desiring BGR. We are probably not having the right footing in relationships.
It must be beneficial to the Kingdom of God. If we devote ourselves in God's purposes, we will always get the best from God.
It must be practical at the same time in terms of financial readiness, timing, maturity level, etc. Ask advice from someone who will dare to tell you things that you need to hear, but you may not like to hear.
Conclusion
Practice selfless love.
Think in Kingdom terms.
Maximize effort to serve God in your singlehood.
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