It's already a long time since I've posted anything on this blog. Well, I could say that I'm quite busy with assignments, lecture classes that popped up out of nowhere and of course tiresome moments of having to see things that are unpleasant(??). I really can say that this is a thing or so in my life as a teacher trainee in a small teacher training college in Sungai Petani.... Hey, what am I talking now? I think it's time to say something that can really give encouragement to others, not discouraging people in the faith that we have have in Christ. Now it's the time to say something that would be a good reminder to everyone.
Okay, so how can one destroy a relationship? Here's how it goes:
Number One: Manipulate people. You tend to threaten or blackmail people in order to gain advantage on them, thus having them to do your dirty works( mind the language)
Number Two: Tell lies to others. You often tell lies about yourself or others so that you could gain their trust. But actually this is not helping at all but instead it's pulling your reputation down as without trust in one another the relationship would eventually die out.
Number Three: Gossiping about people. This is the worst offense of all that could REALLY DISSOLVE A RELATIONSHIP whether it's friendship or a love relationship. (I've experienced it once and it's definitely a very painful thing to accept) (Read Proverbs 16:28,17:9)
Number Four: Ignoring people at the crucial time of their lives. This is one of the things that one would tend to do especially when the friend that is in despair needs your support and help very much. When you fail to help, that would mean the end of the relationship no matter how long it has been going. (Read Proverbs 17:7)
Number Five: Rejecting people. You tend to develop prejudice towards people because of their differences in background, race or culture. Being a racist yourself is already one of the ways to destroy any relationship that might slightly exist without one knowing.
Number Six: Overstaying your welcome at people's homes. I'm not trying to be rude here but it's the fact that when we go to our friend's house frequently you might end the relationship because you're not giving your friend any respect in privacy. It is considered rude for going to a friend's house too often. (Read Proverbs 25:17)
Number Seven: Always talk about yourself. When you're talking to your friend and you kept on emphasizing your own thoughts or feelings too much this would show to others how selfish you are and you're being inconsiderate towards other people's feeling. (Read Proverbs 10:19. James 1:19)
Number Eight: Promise to do something for people but not doing it. When you fail to do something urgent e.g. helping someone to take care of their house or precious belongings or do some work, this is a sign for the friend that you're not the trustworthy type and you've proven yourself being a person who breaks promises.
Number Nine: Borrow money and not paying it back. This is the slightest problem that one may tend to avoid but it would eventually become a big problem as you are not being honest to your friend. There's no point of borrowing money from or to a friend when the money can't be returned as promised.
Number Ten: Embarrassing people in front of others. This is the MOST EFFECTIVE AND MOST DESTRUCTIVE WAY TO END A RELATIONSHIP. When you demean others in front of people you are actually asking for the relationship to end. Not by your own request but by your irresponsible action being mentioned.(again I've experienced it and really I've resolve that it would be the end of the friendship between me and that certain person.) If you do that, then it's goodbye to your relationship with your buddy or pal.
Well that's all you have for now, the ten ways to destroy a relationship. Just hope that none of us forget about the importance of maintaining a relationship and how one should avoid doing something like the above mentioned. In the next blog I'll share about the 8 keys of successsful relationship.
Monday, March 30, 2009
BOYS & GIRLS RELATIONSHIP
The purpose of dating, marriage or finding a life-partner
The wrong purposes:
• Pride and to show off to friends
• Sexual gratification
• Social pressure
• Temporal and seasonal fun
• Sense of incompleteness
Is it true that you can find "completeness" through one another?
Are you normal if you are single and unmarried?
How important is it for you to find your Ms. or Mr. Right to appear?
The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."(Genesis 2:18)
The scripture states that God did not want us to be alone. Yet recognize foremost that:
•Singleness is not a curse, as God created us to be unique and is worthy.
•Your season of singleness is a time to equip yourself by growing in relationship with Him and serve Him 100% without distraction.
•It is also a season to equip yourself by learning to love one another in the holy way.
The scripture above also states the right purposes of having a life-partner:
•To have companionship. Marriage is the most intimate relationship between two persons, secondary to the relationship between the individual and God.
• To have mutual help. This implies:
oThe spouse must be suitable in terms of having skills, character, and physical attributes that complement one another.
o It must create synergy (being more effective than 2 serving separately)
o They must mutually support, backup and protect each other.
o A decisive choice to use the enhanced effectiveness to serve God together.
• Another purpose of having a life-partner is to produce Godly offspring.
Marriage is not a lottery game. Its success does not depend on "bumping" into the right person by chance. Marriage is a commitment between 2 people, which stand for the rest of their lives. God has already pre-arranged your future spouse according to His will and in His timing. And only abiding to His plan can the marriage endure the winds of time.
Nine BGR (BOYS & GIRLS RELATIONSHIP) Know Facts
1.Couples who engage in premarital sex are more likely to break up before marriage than those who do not. The young woman has a higher chance to keep a boyfriend if she does not give in.
2.Though the times have changed, many men yet do not want to marry a woman who has had sex with someone else. Good men will respect a woman of integrity. If a man threatens to dump you without pre-marital sex, you better dump the man first.
3.Virgins tend to have happier marriages than non-virgins. Your virginity can only be given once to one person - and you want to give to the right one assigned by God.
4.Those who have sex before marriage are more likely to split up or be divorced after marriage. The more premarital sex the individuals have had, the greater the tendency to doubt or to suspect one another.
5.Non-virgins are more likely to commit adultery after they are married than virgins -having no concept that sex with other people is not OK.
6.Non-virgins are more likely to be fooled into marrying the wrong person than virgins. Sex can blind you. So we need to examine our inner motivations for getting into BGR relationships other than sex drive.
7.Persons with premarital sex experience are less likely to be satisfied with their total sex life after marriage. You will never forget the first time you make love and therefore tend to compare.
8.Having sex before marriage can push you into a poor marriage. Often a couple become serious and think that they will marry, so they have sex, only to find out later that it was a mismatched. Yet bound by guilt or responsibility that they are pushed into marriage.
9.Having sex before marriage tends to spoil sex after marriage - either there is guilt, fear, and loss of self-esteem, or they cannot easily satisfy their sexual gratification and therefore look for wrongful ways to enhance sexual drive.
Ten Wrong Understandings about Love
1.A girl "owes" a fellow something for a wonderful evening - Love is not a trade.
2.Necking and petting are LK as long as it doesn't go any further - Necking & petting can progress into something else.
3.The time to decide how you will handle a problem on date is when the problem comes up - Decide now so that when time comes, you will be alert before any affections or emotions are given out.
4.Christians can date another person as long as he or she is a Christian - Christians dating Christians is a must, but not the only prerequisite.
5.Having strong feelings of love for someone is true love - Feelings are temporal. True love encompass a commitment and must be mutual.
6.Love at first sight yet exists - In most cases it is not true, as first sight is only physical attraction. One cannot see through the soul and mind of the other person.
7.Saying "yes" to a fellow and having sex with him will cause him to love and appreciate you more - Do you want your spouse to appreciate you only base on sex?
8.It is not wrong to have sex with someone if you love each other and have a meaningful relationship - No matter how much you love one another, even if the two persons are already engaged, premarital sex is yet a sin. God gives sex only to couples who are married as the most precious gift.
9.A good sex life is all that is needed for a happy marriage - Sex will enhance the bondage between a couple, but it is not the most important element.
10.Only "myself" will understand and distinguish true love and infatuation - The Chinese saying, "the person inside the incidence is blinded by the incidence" stands. You may like to eat durian but never realize the smell of durian can affect people around you.
Sound advice
1.Avoid living for the moment - marriage is meant for a lifetime.
2.Avoid living for good feelings - sense over sensibility, look for the facts.
3.Avoid sexual immorality - God hates sin. Caressing someone's body or kissing out of lust is the same sin as having sex.
4.Avoid getting into a relationship hastily - true love waits. Think about how many more years until you are going to get married to start this journey until death.
5.Avoid "following the crowd" - being single is perfectly fine. God has a purpose for you as a single.
6.Avoid marring with the expectation of changing the other person - only God can change a person's character. Doing it by yourself ends up in struggles and arguments for both.
7.Avoid living together to try out the compatibility - this is ripping off the privilege of your marriage life.
8.Avoid dating non-Christians - there are different goals. In most cases, the non-Christians will drag the Christian away from God rather than the other way around.
9.Avoid dating if you are not thinking of marrying - you are not only distracting yourself from the focus on God, but also affecting the life of another Christian. Also the possibility of broken relationship only brings scars in life.
What is true love?
Nobody yet understands fully the perfect love that resembles God's love, but we can learn more day by day. Therefore if you want to know how to love, the primary focus is to learn how God loves us and how we can love God.
How to Formulate Godly Relationship - 5 stages of relationship development
1.Fellowship
o In a local church environment with built in accountability for one another. Our responsibility at this stage is to stir up each other's faith.
o We relate to one another as normal brother and sister in Christ.
2.Friendship
o Sticking close to each other than a brother, with more opportunities to work and serve together with effectiveness.
o A stage of pure friendship and working partners, with no hidden agenda.
o Learning about each other in normal daily settings, such as behaviors/attitudes towards other people, dependability towards assigned works, consistency in serving God, response towards leaders' corrections.
o Observe how the other person handle difficult situation in life (work pressure, life crisis management, etc.)
o Develop freedom to correct each other.
o Develop in utilizing to the full extent spiritual gifting both on individual and partnership level.
o This is a stage whereby God refines the characters separately, in preparation not for marriage, but for spiritual growth and for service.
3.Courtship
o Do not engage in this level if you have no intention to get married!
o Jointly seek God's will together through prayer, consultation with leaders, observations of spiritual maturity and capability.
o Prayer - decide whether to formulate this special relationship by setting aside a period for prayer.
o Consult - a blessed relationship is not just between 2 people, but should be a blessing to all people around us.
o Be accountable to the spiritual leaders so as to protect us from making the wrong decision and unnecessary embarrassment (especially when love is one-sided), and to protect us from affecting relationship between brothers & sisters.
o Being accountable is to ask before making decision, not informing after making decision.
o Be honorable - commit the relationship entirely to God for approval before deciding to go ahead.
o Integrity - promise to keep the relationship proper, with maximum self-control and discipline.
o There must be mutual acceptance and appreciation in biblical (unconditional) way, and the goal is yet to serve God with undivided attention.
o This stage may take years, as God may need to test or further equip the individuals. Therefore patience is essential to wait for the right timing, especially if one party is still studying or immature.
o Does not necessarily ended up in confirmation and dating.
o If things does not work out, the two remain brothers and sisters without feelings of bitterness.
4. Engagement
o With confirmation from God, the couple already has a commitment to marry each other. It is only then the dating starts.
o Once engaged, the couple is regarded husband and wife, except having marital status.
o Guarding against sexual impurity is all the more important at this stage because the temptation becomes greater.
o Both people should continue to grow but with a direction of building up a family to serve together rather than separately.
o Continue to be accountable towards leaders, especially about inner thoughts, which may cause sexual impurity.
o Avoid getting too "sticky" with each other. Again, a blessed relationship is not only a blessing to the 2 persons involved.
5. Marriage
o Covenantal relationship that last for a lifetime.
o A correct and complete sequence should be: Celebration - public wedding in the presence of God and the church; Commitment - conventionally related as husband and wife; Consummation - enjoy the gift of sexual relationship within marriage.
o The order must be right and the sequence must also be complete.
o Do not reverse the order and put sex first. It is only through the commitment of marriage that sexual fulfillment is found.
How to Choose a Life-Partner: Factors to consider during Friendship stage before entering courtship
• Observe the spiritual life of the other party;
o Born again Christian
o Committed Christian
o Mature in Christian character and thinking
o Spiritual gifts that compensate and complement
• Share the same vision from God;
• Confirmation from God himself, godly counselors / spiritual leaders, and from parents;
• Social / mental union compatibility - education, age and culture;
• Likes and dislikes;
• Habits;
• Attitudes, values and habits do not compliment but they should be similar;
• Emotionally, the two must be able to work together. They should be able to support each other as friends and get along well with each other in daily life;
• Physical union compatibility - physical stature such as height and weight, medical conditions, natural talents and gifting.
An acid test to know whether you should proceed with courtship: If your (a) ministry, (b) studies/work and (c) testimony (no stumbling block to anyone) are getting better, then proceed; else hold on and revert.
A God blessed relationship naturally proves that two is better than one. If not, we need to examine our inter motivation for desiring BGR. We are probably not having the right footing in relationships.
It must be beneficial to the Kingdom of God. If we devote ourselves in God's purposes, we will always get the best from God.
It must be practical at the same time in terms of financial readiness, timing, maturity level, etc. Ask advice from someone who will dare to tell you things that you need to hear, but you may not like to hear.
Conclusion
Practice selfless love.
Think in Kingdom terms.
Maximize effort to serve God in your singlehood.
The wrong purposes:
• Pride and to show off to friends
• Sexual gratification
• Social pressure
• Temporal and seasonal fun
• Sense of incompleteness
Is it true that you can find "completeness" through one another?
Are you normal if you are single and unmarried?
How important is it for you to find your Ms. or Mr. Right to appear?
The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."(Genesis 2:18)
The scripture states that God did not want us to be alone. Yet recognize foremost that:
•Singleness is not a curse, as God created us to be unique and is worthy.
•Your season of singleness is a time to equip yourself by growing in relationship with Him and serve Him 100% without distraction.
•It is also a season to equip yourself by learning to love one another in the holy way.
The scripture above also states the right purposes of having a life-partner:
•To have companionship. Marriage is the most intimate relationship between two persons, secondary to the relationship between the individual and God.
• To have mutual help. This implies:
oThe spouse must be suitable in terms of having skills, character, and physical attributes that complement one another.
o It must create synergy (being more effective than 2 serving separately)
o They must mutually support, backup and protect each other.
o A decisive choice to use the enhanced effectiveness to serve God together.
• Another purpose of having a life-partner is to produce Godly offspring.
Marriage is not a lottery game. Its success does not depend on "bumping" into the right person by chance. Marriage is a commitment between 2 people, which stand for the rest of their lives. God has already pre-arranged your future spouse according to His will and in His timing. And only abiding to His plan can the marriage endure the winds of time.
Nine BGR (BOYS & GIRLS RELATIONSHIP) Know Facts
1.Couples who engage in premarital sex are more likely to break up before marriage than those who do not. The young woman has a higher chance to keep a boyfriend if she does not give in.
2.Though the times have changed, many men yet do not want to marry a woman who has had sex with someone else. Good men will respect a woman of integrity. If a man threatens to dump you without pre-marital sex, you better dump the man first.
3.Virgins tend to have happier marriages than non-virgins. Your virginity can only be given once to one person - and you want to give to the right one assigned by God.
4.Those who have sex before marriage are more likely to split up or be divorced after marriage. The more premarital sex the individuals have had, the greater the tendency to doubt or to suspect one another.
5.Non-virgins are more likely to commit adultery after they are married than virgins -having no concept that sex with other people is not OK.
6.Non-virgins are more likely to be fooled into marrying the wrong person than virgins. Sex can blind you. So we need to examine our inner motivations for getting into BGR relationships other than sex drive.
7.Persons with premarital sex experience are less likely to be satisfied with their total sex life after marriage. You will never forget the first time you make love and therefore tend to compare.
8.Having sex before marriage can push you into a poor marriage. Often a couple become serious and think that they will marry, so they have sex, only to find out later that it was a mismatched. Yet bound by guilt or responsibility that they are pushed into marriage.
9.Having sex before marriage tends to spoil sex after marriage - either there is guilt, fear, and loss of self-esteem, or they cannot easily satisfy their sexual gratification and therefore look for wrongful ways to enhance sexual drive.
Ten Wrong Understandings about Love
1.A girl "owes" a fellow something for a wonderful evening - Love is not a trade.
2.Necking and petting are LK as long as it doesn't go any further - Necking & petting can progress into something else.
3.The time to decide how you will handle a problem on date is when the problem comes up - Decide now so that when time comes, you will be alert before any affections or emotions are given out.
4.Christians can date another person as long as he or she is a Christian - Christians dating Christians is a must, but not the only prerequisite.
5.Having strong feelings of love for someone is true love - Feelings are temporal. True love encompass a commitment and must be mutual.
6.Love at first sight yet exists - In most cases it is not true, as first sight is only physical attraction. One cannot see through the soul and mind of the other person.
7.Saying "yes" to a fellow and having sex with him will cause him to love and appreciate you more - Do you want your spouse to appreciate you only base on sex?
8.It is not wrong to have sex with someone if you love each other and have a meaningful relationship - No matter how much you love one another, even if the two persons are already engaged, premarital sex is yet a sin. God gives sex only to couples who are married as the most precious gift.
9.A good sex life is all that is needed for a happy marriage - Sex will enhance the bondage between a couple, but it is not the most important element.
10.Only "myself" will understand and distinguish true love and infatuation - The Chinese saying, "the person inside the incidence is blinded by the incidence" stands. You may like to eat durian but never realize the smell of durian can affect people around you.
Sound advice
1.Avoid living for the moment - marriage is meant for a lifetime.
2.Avoid living for good feelings - sense over sensibility, look for the facts.
3.Avoid sexual immorality - God hates sin. Caressing someone's body or kissing out of lust is the same sin as having sex.
4.Avoid getting into a relationship hastily - true love waits. Think about how many more years until you are going to get married to start this journey until death.
5.Avoid "following the crowd" - being single is perfectly fine. God has a purpose for you as a single.
6.Avoid marring with the expectation of changing the other person - only God can change a person's character. Doing it by yourself ends up in struggles and arguments for both.
7.Avoid living together to try out the compatibility - this is ripping off the privilege of your marriage life.
8.Avoid dating non-Christians - there are different goals. In most cases, the non-Christians will drag the Christian away from God rather than the other way around.
9.Avoid dating if you are not thinking of marrying - you are not only distracting yourself from the focus on God, but also affecting the life of another Christian. Also the possibility of broken relationship only brings scars in life.
What is true love?
Nobody yet understands fully the perfect love that resembles God's love, but we can learn more day by day. Therefore if you want to know how to love, the primary focus is to learn how God loves us and how we can love God.
How to Formulate Godly Relationship - 5 stages of relationship development
1.Fellowship
o In a local church environment with built in accountability for one another. Our responsibility at this stage is to stir up each other's faith.
o We relate to one another as normal brother and sister in Christ.
2.Friendship
o Sticking close to each other than a brother, with more opportunities to work and serve together with effectiveness.
o A stage of pure friendship and working partners, with no hidden agenda.
o Learning about each other in normal daily settings, such as behaviors/attitudes towards other people, dependability towards assigned works, consistency in serving God, response towards leaders' corrections.
o Observe how the other person handle difficult situation in life (work pressure, life crisis management, etc.)
o Develop freedom to correct each other.
o Develop in utilizing to the full extent spiritual gifting both on individual and partnership level.
o This is a stage whereby God refines the characters separately, in preparation not for marriage, but for spiritual growth and for service.
3.Courtship
o Do not engage in this level if you have no intention to get married!
o Jointly seek God's will together through prayer, consultation with leaders, observations of spiritual maturity and capability.
o Prayer - decide whether to formulate this special relationship by setting aside a period for prayer.
o Consult - a blessed relationship is not just between 2 people, but should be a blessing to all people around us.
o Be accountable to the spiritual leaders so as to protect us from making the wrong decision and unnecessary embarrassment (especially when love is one-sided), and to protect us from affecting relationship between brothers & sisters.
o Being accountable is to ask before making decision, not informing after making decision.
o Be honorable - commit the relationship entirely to God for approval before deciding to go ahead.
o Integrity - promise to keep the relationship proper, with maximum self-control and discipline.
o There must be mutual acceptance and appreciation in biblical (unconditional) way, and the goal is yet to serve God with undivided attention.
o This stage may take years, as God may need to test or further equip the individuals. Therefore patience is essential to wait for the right timing, especially if one party is still studying or immature.
o Does not necessarily ended up in confirmation and dating.
o If things does not work out, the two remain brothers and sisters without feelings of bitterness.
4. Engagement
o With confirmation from God, the couple already has a commitment to marry each other. It is only then the dating starts.
o Once engaged, the couple is regarded husband and wife, except having marital status.
o Guarding against sexual impurity is all the more important at this stage because the temptation becomes greater.
o Both people should continue to grow but with a direction of building up a family to serve together rather than separately.
o Continue to be accountable towards leaders, especially about inner thoughts, which may cause sexual impurity.
o Avoid getting too "sticky" with each other. Again, a blessed relationship is not only a blessing to the 2 persons involved.
5. Marriage
o Covenantal relationship that last for a lifetime.
o A correct and complete sequence should be: Celebration - public wedding in the presence of God and the church; Commitment - conventionally related as husband and wife; Consummation - enjoy the gift of sexual relationship within marriage.
o The order must be right and the sequence must also be complete.
o Do not reverse the order and put sex first. It is only through the commitment of marriage that sexual fulfillment is found.
How to Choose a Life-Partner: Factors to consider during Friendship stage before entering courtship
• Observe the spiritual life of the other party;
o Born again Christian
o Committed Christian
o Mature in Christian character and thinking
o Spiritual gifts that compensate and complement
• Share the same vision from God;
• Confirmation from God himself, godly counselors / spiritual leaders, and from parents;
• Social / mental union compatibility - education, age and culture;
• Likes and dislikes;
• Habits;
• Attitudes, values and habits do not compliment but they should be similar;
• Emotionally, the two must be able to work together. They should be able to support each other as friends and get along well with each other in daily life;
• Physical union compatibility - physical stature such as height and weight, medical conditions, natural talents and gifting.
An acid test to know whether you should proceed with courtship: If your (a) ministry, (b) studies/work and (c) testimony (no stumbling block to anyone) are getting better, then proceed; else hold on and revert.
A God blessed relationship naturally proves that two is better than one. If not, we need to examine our inter motivation for desiring BGR. We are probably not having the right footing in relationships.
It must be beneficial to the Kingdom of God. If we devote ourselves in God's purposes, we will always get the best from God.
It must be practical at the same time in terms of financial readiness, timing, maturity level, etc. Ask advice from someone who will dare to tell you things that you need to hear, but you may not like to hear.
Conclusion
Practice selfless love.
Think in Kingdom terms.
Maximize effort to serve God in your singlehood.
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