What is Christian Leadership all about? Christian leadership to me is, first and foremost servant leadership. It is not about power or position. It is definitely not about control. Our role is the role of a servant. It is found in giving ourselves in service to others and not coaxing others to serve you. As Philippians 2: 3-7 says: Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men.
Here we see that one of the fundamental truths of being a leader is to look out for the interest of others and not to look out for our own interest only. Even Jesus came as a bondservant to serve those He came to save. Another verse that comes to mind is in John 13 where Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. This was an example of Jesus' servant leadership.
I know that at times we are tempted to be great in the eyes of the people we lead. This may come as a surprise to some of us but the need to be great comes from some deep issues of insecurity within us. Serving God is not about trying to be great but rather through the inner workings of the Spirit, by having the right motive of serving and with great patience, with firm decision-making, all for the good of those we serve. This is when respect and greatness comes. In Matthew 20:26-28 says: "Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.
Therefore true greatness does not come by serving on the fast track but comes only by way of servanthood and leadership through becoming a slave of all. I think most of us would already know that humility is a quality in a leader that should be ever growing and increasing.
What if you are the pastor and the leader under you is an older person, has higher qualifications or better charisma than you, which may make you feel intimidated and uneasy? Ask yourself, why would some of us feel intimidated and uneasy? Must our servanthood be tied in with our qualification or age? Do higher qualifications determine how good we are as servant leaders? I am sure you see the pattern of my rhetorical questioning, that our fears are not founded on valid facts or reasons. There is no reason for us to fear or feel inadequate. Let our life speak on the pulpit by first serving the people. Let the people sense and see our dedication, commitment and love by our service unto them and our taking care of them. So what if someone in the congregation has said something that made us feel unqualified to take up the position in the church. I think we need to stop trying to please everybody because it is impossible to please everybody. Servant leadership is not about people seeing what you do or praising you all the time. In fact it is the hidden path of sacrificial service and approval of the Lord over the flamboyant self-advertising of the world. You are the pastor of the church because God put you there.
Do not ever be discouraged by criticisms for they are helpful to us. Get the attitude that says, the humble person can learn from petty criticism, even malicious criticism. Do not let criticism defeat us because in every criticism there will be an element of truth in it and if we are wise and humble, we can and will profit from it. No leader in the world is exempt from criticism where his humility is thoroughly tested. It is how you react to it that determines your future. Someone once said, When people spit on you, you get wet not mad, it's just that we choose to get mad . And again do not let criticism defeat us and depress us to the point of immobilizing us in our confidence to serve the people. Even the apostle Paul taught never to let criticism get to you in 1 Corinthians 4:3 - 4: But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by a human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I know of nothing against myself, yet I am not justified by this; but He who judges me is the Lord.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Integrity in Worship Leading
Adapted from an article by Scot Longyear.
by Rev. Brian Ranjan, Senior Pastor of Putera Aman Assembly, Seri Kembangan
I would like to share some thoughts on worship leading, borrowing from Scot Longyear's article on 'Worship Leading Essentials' and making it relevant for us in Malaysia.
Worship Leaders Lead Worship
The road to 'true worship' begins with a right attitude to worship. For the worship leader, daily time with God is a non-negotiable. Your spiritual base is more important than your vocals and your leadership ability. Worship leaders lead worship. They don't lead music. So where are you when it comes to your spirituality and worship leading? Here is a good test. Listen to the things that you say before a set or a song, or listen to the prayers that you pray during a set. Are they words that are coming from your quiet time? Are they the same old tired things that have been overused and are simply not authentic? This can become a checkpoint for us. We hear phrases like, 'We love you God, We praise you, You are good' but they are borrowed rather than being original. There is simply no substitute for connecting with the One we have given our life to. Stand as an authentic worshipper of God, connecting daily to the word, letting the Holy Spirit shape your life like Christ.
Letting Go
Is my guitar in tune? How is the tempo? Is everyone participating? Sounds like the keys missed a note. Are the vocals loud enough? What is the next song? I think I forgot the transition coming up . . . . The list never ends. The real question is: How do we deal with all the details and actually worship while we are leading? Close your eyes. Sometimes we have to close our eyes just to shut the room out and focus our singing and playing towards God. Our eyes can find too many distractions, which sets our mind running ('Is that guy leaving or going to the bathroom'). When we close our eyes, we hear and feel the music, concentrate on the words, focus our attention on God and it sets an example to the people we lead. People see that we are not focused on the music, but on God and they are visibly encouraged to do the same.
Open Your Eyes Too!
It's a delicate balance. Part of being a worship leader is 'to be lost in the worship.' Let's not go so far ahead of people that we leave them in the behind. When we are not paying attention to the people's response, we can actually overlook the people who are praying or crying. How can we define a successful worship gathering? I'm sure you've heard members say "... that was bad worship." We can define a successful worship by answering this simple question: Were people able to connect with Christ? At the end of the day our purpose should be to draw people to God and to experience the touch of God. The truth of the matter is that you are not in control; God is. And He is bigger than anything that might happen. Do your absolute best and have fun. If you enjoy leading, it will tell through your face. Get so lost in worship that you naturally draw others along with you and God finds your worship so appealing that He can't help but show His pleasure, and you can't help but smile.
by Rev. Brian Ranjan, Senior Pastor of Putera Aman Assembly, Seri Kembangan
I would like to share some thoughts on worship leading, borrowing from Scot Longyear's article on 'Worship Leading Essentials' and making it relevant for us in Malaysia.
Worship Leaders Lead Worship
The road to 'true worship' begins with a right attitude to worship. For the worship leader, daily time with God is a non-negotiable. Your spiritual base is more important than your vocals and your leadership ability. Worship leaders lead worship. They don't lead music. So where are you when it comes to your spirituality and worship leading? Here is a good test. Listen to the things that you say before a set or a song, or listen to the prayers that you pray during a set. Are they words that are coming from your quiet time? Are they the same old tired things that have been overused and are simply not authentic? This can become a checkpoint for us. We hear phrases like, 'We love you God, We praise you, You are good' but they are borrowed rather than being original. There is simply no substitute for connecting with the One we have given our life to. Stand as an authentic worshipper of God, connecting daily to the word, letting the Holy Spirit shape your life like Christ.
Letting Go
Is my guitar in tune? How is the tempo? Is everyone participating? Sounds like the keys missed a note. Are the vocals loud enough? What is the next song? I think I forgot the transition coming up . . . . The list never ends. The real question is: How do we deal with all the details and actually worship while we are leading? Close your eyes. Sometimes we have to close our eyes just to shut the room out and focus our singing and playing towards God. Our eyes can find too many distractions, which sets our mind running ('Is that guy leaving or going to the bathroom'). When we close our eyes, we hear and feel the music, concentrate on the words, focus our attention on God and it sets an example to the people we lead. People see that we are not focused on the music, but on God and they are visibly encouraged to do the same.
Open Your Eyes Too!
It's a delicate balance. Part of being a worship leader is 'to be lost in the worship.' Let's not go so far ahead of people that we leave them in the behind. When we are not paying attention to the people's response, we can actually overlook the people who are praying or crying. How can we define a successful worship gathering? I'm sure you've heard members say "... that was bad worship." We can define a successful worship by answering this simple question: Were people able to connect with Christ? At the end of the day our purpose should be to draw people to God and to experience the touch of God. The truth of the matter is that you are not in control; God is. And He is bigger than anything that might happen. Do your absolute best and have fun. If you enjoy leading, it will tell through your face. Get so lost in worship that you naturally draw others along with you and God finds your worship so appealing that He can't help but show His pleasure, and you can't help but smile.
Friday, April 3, 2009
To The Ends Of The Earth
Good Friday is near and a lot of events is happening around the corner. I really hope that during the whole week before Good Friday I would be able to do something that could really show that my life is totally different than the one in the past. I pray that God would give me the strength and power to be His witness in everything for all that he has done for me on the cross. I dedicate this song to my Father in Heaven and to the One who has given me another to live a new and different life.
To The Ends Of The Earth
love unfailing
overtaking my heart
you take me in,
finding peace again.
fear is lost in all you are.
and I would give the world
to tell your story.
'cause I know that you've called me.
I know that you've called me...
I've lost myself for good
within your promise.
and I wont hide it... I wont hide it
Chorus
Jesus,I believe in you
and I would go,
to the ends of the earth
to the ends of the earth
for you, alone are the son of God...
and all the world will see
that you are God
that you are God...
May all glory and power be unto the name of Jesus forever, Amen.
To The Ends Of The Earth
love unfailing
overtaking my heart
you take me in,
finding peace again.
fear is lost in all you are.
and I would give the world
to tell your story.
'cause I know that you've called me.
I know that you've called me...
I've lost myself for good
within your promise.
and I wont hide it... I wont hide it
Chorus
Jesus,I believe in you
and I would go,
to the ends of the earth
to the ends of the earth
for you, alone are the son of God...
and all the world will see
that you are God
that you are God...
May all glory and power be unto the name of Jesus forever, Amen.
Monday, March 30, 2009
10 Ways To Destroy A Relationship
It's already a long time since I've posted anything on this blog. Well, I could say that I'm quite busy with assignments, lecture classes that popped up out of nowhere and of course tiresome moments of having to see things that are unpleasant(??). I really can say that this is a thing or so in my life as a teacher trainee in a small teacher training college in Sungai Petani.... Hey, what am I talking now? I think it's time to say something that can really give encouragement to others, not discouraging people in the faith that we have have in Christ. Now it's the time to say something that would be a good reminder to everyone.
Okay, so how can one destroy a relationship? Here's how it goes:
Number One: Manipulate people. You tend to threaten or blackmail people in order to gain advantage on them, thus having them to do your dirty works( mind the language)
Number Two: Tell lies to others. You often tell lies about yourself or others so that you could gain their trust. But actually this is not helping at all but instead it's pulling your reputation down as without trust in one another the relationship would eventually die out.
Number Three: Gossiping about people. This is the worst offense of all that could REALLY DISSOLVE A RELATIONSHIP whether it's friendship or a love relationship. (I've experienced it once and it's definitely a very painful thing to accept) (Read Proverbs 16:28,17:9)
Number Four: Ignoring people at the crucial time of their lives. This is one of the things that one would tend to do especially when the friend that is in despair needs your support and help very much. When you fail to help, that would mean the end of the relationship no matter how long it has been going. (Read Proverbs 17:7)
Number Five: Rejecting people. You tend to develop prejudice towards people because of their differences in background, race or culture. Being a racist yourself is already one of the ways to destroy any relationship that might slightly exist without one knowing.
Number Six: Overstaying your welcome at people's homes. I'm not trying to be rude here but it's the fact that when we go to our friend's house frequently you might end the relationship because you're not giving your friend any respect in privacy. It is considered rude for going to a friend's house too often. (Read Proverbs 25:17)
Number Seven: Always talk about yourself. When you're talking to your friend and you kept on emphasizing your own thoughts or feelings too much this would show to others how selfish you are and you're being inconsiderate towards other people's feeling. (Read Proverbs 10:19. James 1:19)
Number Eight: Promise to do something for people but not doing it. When you fail to do something urgent e.g. helping someone to take care of their house or precious belongings or do some work, this is a sign for the friend that you're not the trustworthy type and you've proven yourself being a person who breaks promises.
Number Nine: Borrow money and not paying it back. This is the slightest problem that one may tend to avoid but it would eventually become a big problem as you are not being honest to your friend. There's no point of borrowing money from or to a friend when the money can't be returned as promised.
Number Ten: Embarrassing people in front of others. This is the MOST EFFECTIVE AND MOST DESTRUCTIVE WAY TO END A RELATIONSHIP. When you demean others in front of people you are actually asking for the relationship to end. Not by your own request but by your irresponsible action being mentioned.(again I've experienced it and really I've resolve that it would be the end of the friendship between me and that certain person.) If you do that, then it's goodbye to your relationship with your buddy or pal.
Well that's all you have for now, the ten ways to destroy a relationship. Just hope that none of us forget about the importance of maintaining a relationship and how one should avoid doing something like the above mentioned. In the next blog I'll share about the 8 keys of successsful relationship.
Okay, so how can one destroy a relationship? Here's how it goes:
Number One: Manipulate people. You tend to threaten or blackmail people in order to gain advantage on them, thus having them to do your dirty works( mind the language)
Number Two: Tell lies to others. You often tell lies about yourself or others so that you could gain their trust. But actually this is not helping at all but instead it's pulling your reputation down as without trust in one another the relationship would eventually die out.
Number Three: Gossiping about people. This is the worst offense of all that could REALLY DISSOLVE A RELATIONSHIP whether it's friendship or a love relationship. (I've experienced it once and it's definitely a very painful thing to accept) (Read Proverbs 16:28,17:9)
Number Four: Ignoring people at the crucial time of their lives. This is one of the things that one would tend to do especially when the friend that is in despair needs your support and help very much. When you fail to help, that would mean the end of the relationship no matter how long it has been going. (Read Proverbs 17:7)
Number Five: Rejecting people. You tend to develop prejudice towards people because of their differences in background, race or culture. Being a racist yourself is already one of the ways to destroy any relationship that might slightly exist without one knowing.
Number Six: Overstaying your welcome at people's homes. I'm not trying to be rude here but it's the fact that when we go to our friend's house frequently you might end the relationship because you're not giving your friend any respect in privacy. It is considered rude for going to a friend's house too often. (Read Proverbs 25:17)
Number Seven: Always talk about yourself. When you're talking to your friend and you kept on emphasizing your own thoughts or feelings too much this would show to others how selfish you are and you're being inconsiderate towards other people's feeling. (Read Proverbs 10:19. James 1:19)
Number Eight: Promise to do something for people but not doing it. When you fail to do something urgent e.g. helping someone to take care of their house or precious belongings or do some work, this is a sign for the friend that you're not the trustworthy type and you've proven yourself being a person who breaks promises.
Number Nine: Borrow money and not paying it back. This is the slightest problem that one may tend to avoid but it would eventually become a big problem as you are not being honest to your friend. There's no point of borrowing money from or to a friend when the money can't be returned as promised.
Number Ten: Embarrassing people in front of others. This is the MOST EFFECTIVE AND MOST DESTRUCTIVE WAY TO END A RELATIONSHIP. When you demean others in front of people you are actually asking for the relationship to end. Not by your own request but by your irresponsible action being mentioned.(again I've experienced it and really I've resolve that it would be the end of the friendship between me and that certain person.) If you do that, then it's goodbye to your relationship with your buddy or pal.
Well that's all you have for now, the ten ways to destroy a relationship. Just hope that none of us forget about the importance of maintaining a relationship and how one should avoid doing something like the above mentioned. In the next blog I'll share about the 8 keys of successsful relationship.
BOYS & GIRLS RELATIONSHIP
The purpose of dating, marriage or finding a life-partner
The wrong purposes:
• Pride and to show off to friends
• Sexual gratification
• Social pressure
• Temporal and seasonal fun
• Sense of incompleteness
Is it true that you can find "completeness" through one another?
Are you normal if you are single and unmarried?
How important is it for you to find your Ms. or Mr. Right to appear?
The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."(Genesis 2:18)
The scripture states that God did not want us to be alone. Yet recognize foremost that:
•Singleness is not a curse, as God created us to be unique and is worthy.
•Your season of singleness is a time to equip yourself by growing in relationship with Him and serve Him 100% without distraction.
•It is also a season to equip yourself by learning to love one another in the holy way.
The scripture above also states the right purposes of having a life-partner:
•To have companionship. Marriage is the most intimate relationship between two persons, secondary to the relationship between the individual and God.
• To have mutual help. This implies:
oThe spouse must be suitable in terms of having skills, character, and physical attributes that complement one another.
o It must create synergy (being more effective than 2 serving separately)
o They must mutually support, backup and protect each other.
o A decisive choice to use the enhanced effectiveness to serve God together.
• Another purpose of having a life-partner is to produce Godly offspring.
Marriage is not a lottery game. Its success does not depend on "bumping" into the right person by chance. Marriage is a commitment between 2 people, which stand for the rest of their lives. God has already pre-arranged your future spouse according to His will and in His timing. And only abiding to His plan can the marriage endure the winds of time.
Nine BGR (BOYS & GIRLS RELATIONSHIP) Know Facts
1.Couples who engage in premarital sex are more likely to break up before marriage than those who do not. The young woman has a higher chance to keep a boyfriend if she does not give in.
2.Though the times have changed, many men yet do not want to marry a woman who has had sex with someone else. Good men will respect a woman of integrity. If a man threatens to dump you without pre-marital sex, you better dump the man first.
3.Virgins tend to have happier marriages than non-virgins. Your virginity can only be given once to one person - and you want to give to the right one assigned by God.
4.Those who have sex before marriage are more likely to split up or be divorced after marriage. The more premarital sex the individuals have had, the greater the tendency to doubt or to suspect one another.
5.Non-virgins are more likely to commit adultery after they are married than virgins -having no concept that sex with other people is not OK.
6.Non-virgins are more likely to be fooled into marrying the wrong person than virgins. Sex can blind you. So we need to examine our inner motivations for getting into BGR relationships other than sex drive.
7.Persons with premarital sex experience are less likely to be satisfied with their total sex life after marriage. You will never forget the first time you make love and therefore tend to compare.
8.Having sex before marriage can push you into a poor marriage. Often a couple become serious and think that they will marry, so they have sex, only to find out later that it was a mismatched. Yet bound by guilt or responsibility that they are pushed into marriage.
9.Having sex before marriage tends to spoil sex after marriage - either there is guilt, fear, and loss of self-esteem, or they cannot easily satisfy their sexual gratification and therefore look for wrongful ways to enhance sexual drive.
Ten Wrong Understandings about Love
1.A girl "owes" a fellow something for a wonderful evening - Love is not a trade.
2.Necking and petting are LK as long as it doesn't go any further - Necking & petting can progress into something else.
3.The time to decide how you will handle a problem on date is when the problem comes up - Decide now so that when time comes, you will be alert before any affections or emotions are given out.
4.Christians can date another person as long as he or she is a Christian - Christians dating Christians is a must, but not the only prerequisite.
5.Having strong feelings of love for someone is true love - Feelings are temporal. True love encompass a commitment and must be mutual.
6.Love at first sight yet exists - In most cases it is not true, as first sight is only physical attraction. One cannot see through the soul and mind of the other person.
7.Saying "yes" to a fellow and having sex with him will cause him to love and appreciate you more - Do you want your spouse to appreciate you only base on sex?
8.It is not wrong to have sex with someone if you love each other and have a meaningful relationship - No matter how much you love one another, even if the two persons are already engaged, premarital sex is yet a sin. God gives sex only to couples who are married as the most precious gift.
9.A good sex life is all that is needed for a happy marriage - Sex will enhance the bondage between a couple, but it is not the most important element.
10.Only "myself" will understand and distinguish true love and infatuation - The Chinese saying, "the person inside the incidence is blinded by the incidence" stands. You may like to eat durian but never realize the smell of durian can affect people around you.
Sound advice
1.Avoid living for the moment - marriage is meant for a lifetime.
2.Avoid living for good feelings - sense over sensibility, look for the facts.
3.Avoid sexual immorality - God hates sin. Caressing someone's body or kissing out of lust is the same sin as having sex.
4.Avoid getting into a relationship hastily - true love waits. Think about how many more years until you are going to get married to start this journey until death.
5.Avoid "following the crowd" - being single is perfectly fine. God has a purpose for you as a single.
6.Avoid marring with the expectation of changing the other person - only God can change a person's character. Doing it by yourself ends up in struggles and arguments for both.
7.Avoid living together to try out the compatibility - this is ripping off the privilege of your marriage life.
8.Avoid dating non-Christians - there are different goals. In most cases, the non-Christians will drag the Christian away from God rather than the other way around.
9.Avoid dating if you are not thinking of marrying - you are not only distracting yourself from the focus on God, but also affecting the life of another Christian. Also the possibility of broken relationship only brings scars in life.
What is true love?
Nobody yet understands fully the perfect love that resembles God's love, but we can learn more day by day. Therefore if you want to know how to love, the primary focus is to learn how God loves us and how we can love God.
How to Formulate Godly Relationship - 5 stages of relationship development
1.Fellowship
o In a local church environment with built in accountability for one another. Our responsibility at this stage is to stir up each other's faith.
o We relate to one another as normal brother and sister in Christ.
2.Friendship
o Sticking close to each other than a brother, with more opportunities to work and serve together with effectiveness.
o A stage of pure friendship and working partners, with no hidden agenda.
o Learning about each other in normal daily settings, such as behaviors/attitudes towards other people, dependability towards assigned works, consistency in serving God, response towards leaders' corrections.
o Observe how the other person handle difficult situation in life (work pressure, life crisis management, etc.)
o Develop freedom to correct each other.
o Develop in utilizing to the full extent spiritual gifting both on individual and partnership level.
o This is a stage whereby God refines the characters separately, in preparation not for marriage, but for spiritual growth and for service.
3.Courtship
o Do not engage in this level if you have no intention to get married!
o Jointly seek God's will together through prayer, consultation with leaders, observations of spiritual maturity and capability.
o Prayer - decide whether to formulate this special relationship by setting aside a period for prayer.
o Consult - a blessed relationship is not just between 2 people, but should be a blessing to all people around us.
o Be accountable to the spiritual leaders so as to protect us from making the wrong decision and unnecessary embarrassment (especially when love is one-sided), and to protect us from affecting relationship between brothers & sisters.
o Being accountable is to ask before making decision, not informing after making decision.
o Be honorable - commit the relationship entirely to God for approval before deciding to go ahead.
o Integrity - promise to keep the relationship proper, with maximum self-control and discipline.
o There must be mutual acceptance and appreciation in biblical (unconditional) way, and the goal is yet to serve God with undivided attention.
o This stage may take years, as God may need to test or further equip the individuals. Therefore patience is essential to wait for the right timing, especially if one party is still studying or immature.
o Does not necessarily ended up in confirmation and dating.
o If things does not work out, the two remain brothers and sisters without feelings of bitterness.
4. Engagement
o With confirmation from God, the couple already has a commitment to marry each other. It is only then the dating starts.
o Once engaged, the couple is regarded husband and wife, except having marital status.
o Guarding against sexual impurity is all the more important at this stage because the temptation becomes greater.
o Both people should continue to grow but with a direction of building up a family to serve together rather than separately.
o Continue to be accountable towards leaders, especially about inner thoughts, which may cause sexual impurity.
o Avoid getting too "sticky" with each other. Again, a blessed relationship is not only a blessing to the 2 persons involved.
5. Marriage
o Covenantal relationship that last for a lifetime.
o A correct and complete sequence should be: Celebration - public wedding in the presence of God and the church; Commitment - conventionally related as husband and wife; Consummation - enjoy the gift of sexual relationship within marriage.
o The order must be right and the sequence must also be complete.
o Do not reverse the order and put sex first. It is only through the commitment of marriage that sexual fulfillment is found.
How to Choose a Life-Partner: Factors to consider during Friendship stage before entering courtship
• Observe the spiritual life of the other party;
o Born again Christian
o Committed Christian
o Mature in Christian character and thinking
o Spiritual gifts that compensate and complement
• Share the same vision from God;
• Confirmation from God himself, godly counselors / spiritual leaders, and from parents;
• Social / mental union compatibility - education, age and culture;
• Likes and dislikes;
• Habits;
• Attitudes, values and habits do not compliment but they should be similar;
• Emotionally, the two must be able to work together. They should be able to support each other as friends and get along well with each other in daily life;
• Physical union compatibility - physical stature such as height and weight, medical conditions, natural talents and gifting.
An acid test to know whether you should proceed with courtship: If your (a) ministry, (b) studies/work and (c) testimony (no stumbling block to anyone) are getting better, then proceed; else hold on and revert.
A God blessed relationship naturally proves that two is better than one. If not, we need to examine our inter motivation for desiring BGR. We are probably not having the right footing in relationships.
It must be beneficial to the Kingdom of God. If we devote ourselves in God's purposes, we will always get the best from God.
It must be practical at the same time in terms of financial readiness, timing, maturity level, etc. Ask advice from someone who will dare to tell you things that you need to hear, but you may not like to hear.
Conclusion
Practice selfless love.
Think in Kingdom terms.
Maximize effort to serve God in your singlehood.
The wrong purposes:
• Pride and to show off to friends
• Sexual gratification
• Social pressure
• Temporal and seasonal fun
• Sense of incompleteness
Is it true that you can find "completeness" through one another?
Are you normal if you are single and unmarried?
How important is it for you to find your Ms. or Mr. Right to appear?
The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."(Genesis 2:18)
The scripture states that God did not want us to be alone. Yet recognize foremost that:
•Singleness is not a curse, as God created us to be unique and is worthy.
•Your season of singleness is a time to equip yourself by growing in relationship with Him and serve Him 100% without distraction.
•It is also a season to equip yourself by learning to love one another in the holy way.
The scripture above also states the right purposes of having a life-partner:
•To have companionship. Marriage is the most intimate relationship between two persons, secondary to the relationship between the individual and God.
• To have mutual help. This implies:
oThe spouse must be suitable in terms of having skills, character, and physical attributes that complement one another.
o It must create synergy (being more effective than 2 serving separately)
o They must mutually support, backup and protect each other.
o A decisive choice to use the enhanced effectiveness to serve God together.
• Another purpose of having a life-partner is to produce Godly offspring.
Marriage is not a lottery game. Its success does not depend on "bumping" into the right person by chance. Marriage is a commitment between 2 people, which stand for the rest of their lives. God has already pre-arranged your future spouse according to His will and in His timing. And only abiding to His plan can the marriage endure the winds of time.
Nine BGR (BOYS & GIRLS RELATIONSHIP) Know Facts
1.Couples who engage in premarital sex are more likely to break up before marriage than those who do not. The young woman has a higher chance to keep a boyfriend if she does not give in.
2.Though the times have changed, many men yet do not want to marry a woman who has had sex with someone else. Good men will respect a woman of integrity. If a man threatens to dump you without pre-marital sex, you better dump the man first.
3.Virgins tend to have happier marriages than non-virgins. Your virginity can only be given once to one person - and you want to give to the right one assigned by God.
4.Those who have sex before marriage are more likely to split up or be divorced after marriage. The more premarital sex the individuals have had, the greater the tendency to doubt or to suspect one another.
5.Non-virgins are more likely to commit adultery after they are married than virgins -having no concept that sex with other people is not OK.
6.Non-virgins are more likely to be fooled into marrying the wrong person than virgins. Sex can blind you. So we need to examine our inner motivations for getting into BGR relationships other than sex drive.
7.Persons with premarital sex experience are less likely to be satisfied with their total sex life after marriage. You will never forget the first time you make love and therefore tend to compare.
8.Having sex before marriage can push you into a poor marriage. Often a couple become serious and think that they will marry, so they have sex, only to find out later that it was a mismatched. Yet bound by guilt or responsibility that they are pushed into marriage.
9.Having sex before marriage tends to spoil sex after marriage - either there is guilt, fear, and loss of self-esteem, or they cannot easily satisfy their sexual gratification and therefore look for wrongful ways to enhance sexual drive.
Ten Wrong Understandings about Love
1.A girl "owes" a fellow something for a wonderful evening - Love is not a trade.
2.Necking and petting are LK as long as it doesn't go any further - Necking & petting can progress into something else.
3.The time to decide how you will handle a problem on date is when the problem comes up - Decide now so that when time comes, you will be alert before any affections or emotions are given out.
4.Christians can date another person as long as he or she is a Christian - Christians dating Christians is a must, but not the only prerequisite.
5.Having strong feelings of love for someone is true love - Feelings are temporal. True love encompass a commitment and must be mutual.
6.Love at first sight yet exists - In most cases it is not true, as first sight is only physical attraction. One cannot see through the soul and mind of the other person.
7.Saying "yes" to a fellow and having sex with him will cause him to love and appreciate you more - Do you want your spouse to appreciate you only base on sex?
8.It is not wrong to have sex with someone if you love each other and have a meaningful relationship - No matter how much you love one another, even if the two persons are already engaged, premarital sex is yet a sin. God gives sex only to couples who are married as the most precious gift.
9.A good sex life is all that is needed for a happy marriage - Sex will enhance the bondage between a couple, but it is not the most important element.
10.Only "myself" will understand and distinguish true love and infatuation - The Chinese saying, "the person inside the incidence is blinded by the incidence" stands. You may like to eat durian but never realize the smell of durian can affect people around you.
Sound advice
1.Avoid living for the moment - marriage is meant for a lifetime.
2.Avoid living for good feelings - sense over sensibility, look for the facts.
3.Avoid sexual immorality - God hates sin. Caressing someone's body or kissing out of lust is the same sin as having sex.
4.Avoid getting into a relationship hastily - true love waits. Think about how many more years until you are going to get married to start this journey until death.
5.Avoid "following the crowd" - being single is perfectly fine. God has a purpose for you as a single.
6.Avoid marring with the expectation of changing the other person - only God can change a person's character. Doing it by yourself ends up in struggles and arguments for both.
7.Avoid living together to try out the compatibility - this is ripping off the privilege of your marriage life.
8.Avoid dating non-Christians - there are different goals. In most cases, the non-Christians will drag the Christian away from God rather than the other way around.
9.Avoid dating if you are not thinking of marrying - you are not only distracting yourself from the focus on God, but also affecting the life of another Christian. Also the possibility of broken relationship only brings scars in life.
What is true love?
Nobody yet understands fully the perfect love that resembles God's love, but we can learn more day by day. Therefore if you want to know how to love, the primary focus is to learn how God loves us and how we can love God.
How to Formulate Godly Relationship - 5 stages of relationship development
1.Fellowship
o In a local church environment with built in accountability for one another. Our responsibility at this stage is to stir up each other's faith.
o We relate to one another as normal brother and sister in Christ.
2.Friendship
o Sticking close to each other than a brother, with more opportunities to work and serve together with effectiveness.
o A stage of pure friendship and working partners, with no hidden agenda.
o Learning about each other in normal daily settings, such as behaviors/attitudes towards other people, dependability towards assigned works, consistency in serving God, response towards leaders' corrections.
o Observe how the other person handle difficult situation in life (work pressure, life crisis management, etc.)
o Develop freedom to correct each other.
o Develop in utilizing to the full extent spiritual gifting both on individual and partnership level.
o This is a stage whereby God refines the characters separately, in preparation not for marriage, but for spiritual growth and for service.
3.Courtship
o Do not engage in this level if you have no intention to get married!
o Jointly seek God's will together through prayer, consultation with leaders, observations of spiritual maturity and capability.
o Prayer - decide whether to formulate this special relationship by setting aside a period for prayer.
o Consult - a blessed relationship is not just between 2 people, but should be a blessing to all people around us.
o Be accountable to the spiritual leaders so as to protect us from making the wrong decision and unnecessary embarrassment (especially when love is one-sided), and to protect us from affecting relationship between brothers & sisters.
o Being accountable is to ask before making decision, not informing after making decision.
o Be honorable - commit the relationship entirely to God for approval before deciding to go ahead.
o Integrity - promise to keep the relationship proper, with maximum self-control and discipline.
o There must be mutual acceptance and appreciation in biblical (unconditional) way, and the goal is yet to serve God with undivided attention.
o This stage may take years, as God may need to test or further equip the individuals. Therefore patience is essential to wait for the right timing, especially if one party is still studying or immature.
o Does not necessarily ended up in confirmation and dating.
o If things does not work out, the two remain brothers and sisters without feelings of bitterness.
4. Engagement
o With confirmation from God, the couple already has a commitment to marry each other. It is only then the dating starts.
o Once engaged, the couple is regarded husband and wife, except having marital status.
o Guarding against sexual impurity is all the more important at this stage because the temptation becomes greater.
o Both people should continue to grow but with a direction of building up a family to serve together rather than separately.
o Continue to be accountable towards leaders, especially about inner thoughts, which may cause sexual impurity.
o Avoid getting too "sticky" with each other. Again, a blessed relationship is not only a blessing to the 2 persons involved.
5. Marriage
o Covenantal relationship that last for a lifetime.
o A correct and complete sequence should be: Celebration - public wedding in the presence of God and the church; Commitment - conventionally related as husband and wife; Consummation - enjoy the gift of sexual relationship within marriage.
o The order must be right and the sequence must also be complete.
o Do not reverse the order and put sex first. It is only through the commitment of marriage that sexual fulfillment is found.
How to Choose a Life-Partner: Factors to consider during Friendship stage before entering courtship
• Observe the spiritual life of the other party;
o Born again Christian
o Committed Christian
o Mature in Christian character and thinking
o Spiritual gifts that compensate and complement
• Share the same vision from God;
• Confirmation from God himself, godly counselors / spiritual leaders, and from parents;
• Social / mental union compatibility - education, age and culture;
• Likes and dislikes;
• Habits;
• Attitudes, values and habits do not compliment but they should be similar;
• Emotionally, the two must be able to work together. They should be able to support each other as friends and get along well with each other in daily life;
• Physical union compatibility - physical stature such as height and weight, medical conditions, natural talents and gifting.
An acid test to know whether you should proceed with courtship: If your (a) ministry, (b) studies/work and (c) testimony (no stumbling block to anyone) are getting better, then proceed; else hold on and revert.
A God blessed relationship naturally proves that two is better than one. If not, we need to examine our inter motivation for desiring BGR. We are probably not having the right footing in relationships.
It must be beneficial to the Kingdom of God. If we devote ourselves in God's purposes, we will always get the best from God.
It must be practical at the same time in terms of financial readiness, timing, maturity level, etc. Ask advice from someone who will dare to tell you things that you need to hear, but you may not like to hear.
Conclusion
Practice selfless love.
Think in Kingdom terms.
Maximize effort to serve God in your singlehood.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
A Beautiful Prayer
I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary
I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.
I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.
I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.
Thank you God, for giving me more than what I want.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary
I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.
I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.
I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.
Thank you God, for giving me more than what I want.
别空空地去爱
他们非常需要你的时间！他们是谁？是你的家人，你最爱的人。我们太忙于创造事业和追求权位，反而忘了最爱的人。
我记得当妻子告诉我她怀孕、想生下孩子时，我说：“你为什么要做这种事？”
然而，孩子出生的那一刻，我就爱上了她；要我为她舍命都可以。我以前从没看过这么柔弱、这么漂亮的小孩，两行眼泪流下我的脸颊。一转眼，我又哭了，却是把她留在离家八百里外大学宿舍的那一刻。
再一弹指，去年十二月，我牵着她走过红毯，她的手勾住我的臂弯。走到教堂前面，我亲吻了那只纤细的手，然后放进她未来丈夫的手里。
抓紧相处的时光
跟儿女一起共度时光的机会是很短暂的。有个人带儿子去钓鱼，整天一无所得。他在日记里写下："跟儿子去钓鱼，没有一条鱼上钩。整天都浪费了。"几年 后，他翻寻一只大皮箱，在箱底发现了儿子的日记。他打开日记本，读到儿子对钓鱼那天写下的记录："去钓鱼，整天一无所获。跟爸爸一起过了一整天，是我一生 最棒的一天！"
许多人从结婚那天起，就不再跟自己的妻子约会。要知道，妻子深深渴望一段浪漫的时间：单独跟你吃顿饭；一顿没有电话铃响、没有呼叫器哔哔作响的晚餐，而且她是你全神贯注的焦点。
许多年前，我的妻子得了癌症。有一晚她躺在床上睡着了，我看着她。心想，这女人曾是我多么珍视的宝贝，我却不再以当初约会时的那种专注、热烈和温柔 来待她。于是，我伸手触摸她的唇，抚摸她的眉，心里深深感谢上帝把她赐给了我。在我这么做时，我看见她的眼角流出泪水。我一面问她怎么了，一面将她搂进臂 弯里。她却只说："别停下来，别停下来。"
你希望妻子、儿女、家人知道你爱他们吗？那么，花时间跟他们在一起。
用言语表达爱
我们生活在一个渴求听到"我爱你"的文化里。
有一天我坐在飞机上。我刚得到一个国际奖，虽然领奖时有几千人为我鼓掌喝彩，我却多么希望我的父亲当时也在那里。于是我拿出纸，写了一封信给他。我 写下："爸，我这一生已经有很多成就。"然后我又加上，"爸，你知道，其实我只是要让你觉得骄傲。"我的父亲生长在一个不说"我爱你"的时代里，因为说这 样的话显得没有男子气概。事实上，这是不对的！我并非贬低父亲，我知道是他的成长背景让他相信就该如此。信末我写着："爸，你知道我最引以为傲的奖是什么 吗？就是你是我的爸爸。"最后我写下不曾对他说过的话："我爱你。"
我折好了信，可是不敢寄出去，因为我怕他不会回应；我没把握能否应付那样的心痛。我将信放置两星期才寄出。然后我守在电话机旁，等着电话。最后，我相信那封信没造成什么影响；因为父亲连一通电话也没打。
几个月后，我去看父母。开车时，胃里像有一颗火球在燃烧似的！我气自己这么需要父亲跟我说："我也爱你。"当我走进屋里，母亲用那种有事情要发生时 的特有方式问候我。我进入客厅，看见一个父亲自制的相框，里面裱的正是我几个月前写给他的那封信。母亲说："每个到家里的人，他都带他们到这里，要他们读 这封信。"
我爸爱我！我爸爱我！我抱住他的身体。我说："我爱你，爸！"他说："我也爱你。"对我父亲而言，他儿子白纸黑字写下"我爱你"，具有何等的意义！现在我们常通电话，也这样彼此表白。我们的关系改变了。当你说出"我爱你"时，许多的苦毒都除去了。我们都需要听到这样的话。
用行动表达爱
我生长在认定女人该做家事的时代。我以为上帝将女人摆在世上，是为了确保男人一切都能顺利。我一点也不帮妻子的忙。
她天天辛苦工作，我却从不帮她做任何家事，反而怪她为何对我冷淡、无回应！我们交往期间充满了热情，结婚后，她再也感受不到过去我口中所说的那份爱。我们的婚姻冷却了，火辣的热情消失了。
有一天我坐在屋里，储藏室的门开着，吸尘器放在里面。我看到它摆在那里，心想，我要试用它。我们一定要做过一些家事，才会知道妻子有多辛苦！当要吸 一些必须清理的垃圾时，吸尘器没有多大用处。它能吸起小小的棉线头，附着一段时间，然后在你最想不到的时候掉下来！至于掉在地毯里的牙签，即使吸了一百 遍，地毯都磨坏了，还是吸不起来！最后，我把吸尘器放在房间中间，取下所有管子和吸到的东西；然后再把管子装回去，开始吸地毯。奇妙的是，吸过去，上面就 出现了一种颜色的线条；往相反方向走，又出现不同颜色的线条！我觉得非常有意思，就干脆把整个房间都吸过，给它加上了条纹。然后心想，既然都做了，干脆把 屋子打扫干净吧！于是又从另一边吸过来，把整个屋子的地毯吸成了棋盘状。
太太回到家，惊讶地问道："这是谁弄的？"我抬起头来说："我弄的啊！"她立刻跑过来，跳上我坐的那张椅子。这件事至今仍令我难忘。
造成婚姻里热情消失的原因之一，是我们已经太久不再说"我爱你"，不再表露"我爱你"了。
孩子们也需要父母用触碰来表达爱。小女儿要我一再讲三只小猪的故事；过去我是这样做：讲是会讲，只是过不了多久就开始跳页。但她却不肯跳页。最后， 我干脆把故事录起来，然后教她怎么放录音带。有天晚上我回家，忙着做那些男人会做的事，这时女儿拿着录音机进来了。她说："爸爸，跟我讲三只小猪的故事。 "
我说："宝贝，它就在录音机里啊！"
她却说："但是，爸爸，我没法坐在录音机的腿上！"
儿女渴望接触我们，知道我们关心他们。这就是爱的行动。
你不能空空地去爱，而你的家人等待着被你去爱。现在就立下心志，做你必须做的。
本文节录自《男人的七个承诺》一书，作者肯恩•戴维斯(Ken Davis)是Dynamic Communications机构总裁；著有七本书，包括《Fire Up Your Life》，《How to Live with Your Parents without Losing Your Mind》，以及《Jumper Fables》，后者赢得CBA（美国基督教书商联会）金牌奖；神学院教师和培灵讲员。
我记得当妻子告诉我她怀孕、想生下孩子时，我说：“你为什么要做这种事？”
然而，孩子出生的那一刻，我就爱上了她；要我为她舍命都可以。我以前从没看过这么柔弱、这么漂亮的小孩，两行眼泪流下我的脸颊。一转眼，我又哭了，却是把她留在离家八百里外大学宿舍的那一刻。
再一弹指，去年十二月，我牵着她走过红毯，她的手勾住我的臂弯。走到教堂前面，我亲吻了那只纤细的手，然后放进她未来丈夫的手里。
抓紧相处的时光
跟儿女一起共度时光的机会是很短暂的。有个人带儿子去钓鱼，整天一无所得。他在日记里写下："跟儿子去钓鱼，没有一条鱼上钩。整天都浪费了。"几年 后，他翻寻一只大皮箱，在箱底发现了儿子的日记。他打开日记本，读到儿子对钓鱼那天写下的记录："去钓鱼，整天一无所获。跟爸爸一起过了一整天，是我一生 最棒的一天！"
许多人从结婚那天起，就不再跟自己的妻子约会。要知道，妻子深深渴望一段浪漫的时间：单独跟你吃顿饭；一顿没有电话铃响、没有呼叫器哔哔作响的晚餐，而且她是你全神贯注的焦点。
许多年前，我的妻子得了癌症。有一晚她躺在床上睡着了，我看着她。心想，这女人曾是我多么珍视的宝贝，我却不再以当初约会时的那种专注、热烈和温柔 来待她。于是，我伸手触摸她的唇，抚摸她的眉，心里深深感谢上帝把她赐给了我。在我这么做时，我看见她的眼角流出泪水。我一面问她怎么了，一面将她搂进臂 弯里。她却只说："别停下来，别停下来。"
你希望妻子、儿女、家人知道你爱他们吗？那么，花时间跟他们在一起。
用言语表达爱
我们生活在一个渴求听到"我爱你"的文化里。
有一天我坐在飞机上。我刚得到一个国际奖，虽然领奖时有几千人为我鼓掌喝彩，我却多么希望我的父亲当时也在那里。于是我拿出纸，写了一封信给他。我 写下："爸，我这一生已经有很多成就。"然后我又加上，"爸，你知道，其实我只是要让你觉得骄傲。"我的父亲生长在一个不说"我爱你"的时代里，因为说这 样的话显得没有男子气概。事实上，这是不对的！我并非贬低父亲，我知道是他的成长背景让他相信就该如此。信末我写着："爸，你知道我最引以为傲的奖是什么 吗？就是你是我的爸爸。"最后我写下不曾对他说过的话："我爱你。"
我折好了信，可是不敢寄出去，因为我怕他不会回应；我没把握能否应付那样的心痛。我将信放置两星期才寄出。然后我守在电话机旁，等着电话。最后，我相信那封信没造成什么影响；因为父亲连一通电话也没打。
几个月后，我去看父母。开车时，胃里像有一颗火球在燃烧似的！我气自己这么需要父亲跟我说："我也爱你。"当我走进屋里，母亲用那种有事情要发生时 的特有方式问候我。我进入客厅，看见一个父亲自制的相框，里面裱的正是我几个月前写给他的那封信。母亲说："每个到家里的人，他都带他们到这里，要他们读 这封信。"
我爸爱我！我爸爱我！我抱住他的身体。我说："我爱你，爸！"他说："我也爱你。"对我父亲而言，他儿子白纸黑字写下"我爱你"，具有何等的意义！现在我们常通电话，也这样彼此表白。我们的关系改变了。当你说出"我爱你"时，许多的苦毒都除去了。我们都需要听到这样的话。
用行动表达爱
我生长在认定女人该做家事的时代。我以为上帝将女人摆在世上，是为了确保男人一切都能顺利。我一点也不帮妻子的忙。
她天天辛苦工作，我却从不帮她做任何家事，反而怪她为何对我冷淡、无回应！我们交往期间充满了热情，结婚后，她再也感受不到过去我口中所说的那份爱。我们的婚姻冷却了，火辣的热情消失了。
有一天我坐在屋里，储藏室的门开着，吸尘器放在里面。我看到它摆在那里，心想，我要试用它。我们一定要做过一些家事，才会知道妻子有多辛苦！当要吸 一些必须清理的垃圾时，吸尘器没有多大用处。它能吸起小小的棉线头，附着一段时间，然后在你最想不到的时候掉下来！至于掉在地毯里的牙签，即使吸了一百 遍，地毯都磨坏了，还是吸不起来！最后，我把吸尘器放在房间中间，取下所有管子和吸到的东西；然后再把管子装回去，开始吸地毯。奇妙的是，吸过去，上面就 出现了一种颜色的线条；往相反方向走，又出现不同颜色的线条！我觉得非常有意思，就干脆把整个房间都吸过，给它加上了条纹。然后心想，既然都做了，干脆把 屋子打扫干净吧！于是又从另一边吸过来，把整个屋子的地毯吸成了棋盘状。
太太回到家，惊讶地问道："这是谁弄的？"我抬起头来说："我弄的啊！"她立刻跑过来，跳上我坐的那张椅子。这件事至今仍令我难忘。
造成婚姻里热情消失的原因之一，是我们已经太久不再说"我爱你"，不再表露"我爱你"了。
孩子们也需要父母用触碰来表达爱。小女儿要我一再讲三只小猪的故事；过去我是这样做：讲是会讲，只是过不了多久就开始跳页。但她却不肯跳页。最后， 我干脆把故事录起来，然后教她怎么放录音带。有天晚上我回家，忙着做那些男人会做的事，这时女儿拿着录音机进来了。她说："爸爸，跟我讲三只小猪的故事。 "
我说："宝贝，它就在录音机里啊！"
她却说："但是，爸爸，我没法坐在录音机的腿上！"
儿女渴望接触我们，知道我们关心他们。这就是爱的行动。
你不能空空地去爱，而你的家人等待着被你去爱。现在就立下心志，做你必须做的。
本文节录自《男人的七个承诺》一书，作者肯恩•戴维斯(Ken Davis)是Dynamic Communications机构总裁；著有七本书，包括《Fire Up Your Life》，《How to Live with Your Parents without Losing Your Mind》，以及《Jumper Fables》，后者赢得CBA（美国基督教书商联会）金牌奖；神学院教师和培灵讲员。
您懂得恋爱吗？
约会，婚姻或寻到终身伴侣的目的
错误的目的：
• 骄傲和向朋友们炫耀
• 性方面的满足
• 社会的压力
• 暂时和季节性的乐趣
• 不完全感
是否你们真的能通过彼此达到"完全"呢？
单身而未婚的人是正常人吗？
你们寻求最佳伴侣的出现，这一点有多重要？
耶和华 神说："那人独居不好，我要为他造一个配偶帮助他。"(创2:18)
圣经指出上帝并不是想让我们独身一人生活。然而首先我们必须认识到以下几点：
• 单身并不是一种咒诅，原因在于上帝造了我们，使我们独一无二并且有价值。
• 在单身时期你们得以与上帝建立更为亲密的关系，全身心地、毫无羁绊地服事上帝，装备自己。
• 在这一时期你们也可以通过学习以圣洁的方式彼此相爱来装备自己。
上面的经文也阐述了获得终身伴侣的正确目的：
• 获得同伴。婚姻是两个人之间最亲密的关系，仅次于个人与上帝之间的关系。
• 相互帮助。这意味着：
o 在拥有技能，品性和体格特征方面配偶必须相互补充，适合对方；
o
o 婚姻必须产生协力优势（较二人各自服事更为有效）；
o
o 他们必须互相支持和保护；
o
o 双方决心借着婚姻更有果效地共同服事上帝。
• 获得终身伴侣的另一个目的是生育敬虔的后代。
婚姻不是彩票游戏。成功的婚姻不是凭着偶尔"碰"对了人就能取得的。
婚姻是两个人之间的承诺。这一承诺的时限是他们整个的余生。上帝已经照着他的旨意，按着他的时间表为你预定好了你未来的配偶。而只有遵行他的计划才能使你的婚姻经受得住时间的考验。
恋人关系中应该了解的九个事实
1. 同婚前不发生性关系的未婚夫妻相比，婚前就有性行为的未婚男女更有可能在婚前分手。如果年轻女子在这
方面不让步，她倒更有希望与男友继续维持恋爱关系；
2. 尽管时代改变了，然而许多男士仍不愿意娶一位已经与其他人有过性关系的新娘。好男人都会尊敬那些正直
诚实的女性。如果有人向你威胁说，若你不和他婚前发生性关系，他就要把你甩了的话，你最好还是先把他
甩了吧；
3. 贞洁的人们有可能获得比失贞的人们更为快乐的婚姻。童贞只能给一个人，也只能给一次——你们肯定希望把
它交给那位上帝为你们指定的人儿；
4. 婚前有性行为的人更有可能在婚后分手或离婚。他们在婚前的性行为越多，就越有可能相互怀疑或猜疑；
5. 失贞的人们会认为和他人有性行为没有什么关系，因此他们在婚后更有可能犯奸淫；
6. 失贞的人们更容易上当而和不适和自己的人结婚。性可能使人变得盲目。因此我们需要检查一下自己内心的
动机是否的确不是出于性的驱使；
7. 有婚前性经验的人不太容易对婚后性生活的总体感到满意。你永远不会忘记"第一次"的经历，因而常常会去
做比较；
8. 婚前发生性行为可能会导致糟糕的婚姻。往往是一对未婚男女开始认真考虑他们之间的关系，认为将会与对
方结婚，于是便发生关系，后来才发现他们之间并不合适。然而或出于歉疚，或出于责任，他们被迫结婚；
9. 婚前发生性关系可能会破坏婚后的性生活，原因可能是一方或双方有负罪感、害怕以及自尊的丧失，也可能
是由于他们在性生活上轻易不能得到满足，因而寻找错误的方法去增强性能力。
十种关于爱的错误认识
1. 为度过一个美好的夜晚，女孩应该付出些什么——爱不是一种交易；
2. 只要不再有进一步的举动，亲吻和爱抚没有什么关系——亲吻和爱抚可能发展成另外的行为；
3. 有关异性约会的问题到发生时再考虑怎样处理也不迟——现在就做出决定，这样到了时候你才能在表达爱意之
前保持清醒头脑；
4. 基督徒可以与任何其他基督徒约会——基督徒约会基督徒是必须的条件，但并非唯一的先决条件；
5. 对某人感到强烈的爱意，那就是真爱——感觉是暂时的。真爱包含了承诺，并且必须是双方的承诺；
6. 一见钟情仍然存在——在大多数情况下一见钟情都不是真实的，它只是肉体的吸引。一个人是看不透别人的心
灵和思想的；
7. 答应对方的要求和他发生关系，他就会更加爱你和欣赏你——你是否希望你的配偶只是基于性的因素欣赏
你？
8. 如果你们彼此相爱并且关系富有意义，那么你们发生性关系就不算错——无论你们之间有多么相爱，即便你们
已有婚约，婚前性行为仍然是一种罪。上帝把性作为最宝贵的礼物，只是送给了已婚的夫妻们；
9. 快乐的婚姻只需要有好的性生活——性可以加强夫妻之间的联合，但它并非是最重要的因素；
10. 只有"我自己"才会了解和分辨什么是真爱，什么是痴迷——中国有句谚语说："不识庐山真面目，只缘身在此
山中"。你可能爱吃榴莲，但从未想到过榴莲的气味会影响到你周围的人。
几句忠告
1. 不要只为现时活着——婚姻是终身大事。
2. 不要只为好感活着--理智胜于感觉，应当寻求事实。
3. 不要犯奸淫——上帝恨恶罪恶。贪恋地抚摸他人的身体或亲吻对方，这和发生性关系一样都是罪。
4. 不要匆忙地确定关系——真爱可以等待。想想还要经过多少年你们才会结婚吧！而这婚姻将一直延续到你们生
命的终点。
5. 不要“随大流”——单身并不是坏事。对于单身的你，上帝有着他的目的。
6. 不要指望你能改变另一方而结婚——只有上帝才能改变一个人的品性。若你硬要自己去改变对方，那只会以争
斗和争论告终。
7. 不要同居试婚——这样是对你婚姻生活特权的剥夺。
8. 不要和非基督徒约会——基督徒和非基督徒的人生目标不同。在大多数情形下，往往是非基督徒使基督徒远离
上帝，而不是基督徒把非基督徒带到上帝的面前。
9. 如果你不想结婚，那就不要和对方约会。否则你不但自己不能专心仰望上帝，而且还会影响另一位基督徒的
生活。另外，你们还可能关系破裂，那样只会给双方带来伤痛。
真正的爱是什么？
尚未有人得以完全领会那种与上帝之爱类似的完全的爱，可我们还是能够逐渐更深地了解这种爱。因此如果想要知道如何去爱，最重要的一点就是我们去了解上帝是怎样爱我们的，以及我们如何能够爱上帝。
如何明确敬虔圣洁的关系——关系发展的5个阶段
1. 团契
o 在地方教会的环境中，信徒们之间互相负责任。在这一阶段我们的责任就是激发彼此的信心。
o 我们之间的关系是普通的主内弟兄姊妹的关系。
2. 友谊
o 较一般弟兄间的关系更为亲密，彼此有更多的机会在一起工作和服事上帝，并且卓有成效。
o 这一阶段是单纯的友谊和工作伙伴关系，之间没有隐秘的动机。
o 在日常的环境中彼此进行了解，诸如对方对他人的举止/态度，在分派的工场里是否值得信赖，服事上帝是否
一贯持久，对教会领袖们修正言行的反应如何。
o 观察对方如何应对生活中的难处（工作压力、生活危机管理等等）。
o 能直率地纠正彼此的错误。
o 能完全地利用包括个人和工作伙伴这两方面的属灵恩赐。
o 这个阶段里，上帝分别对各人的品性做炼净的工作，但不是作为婚姻的预备，而是为了各人灵命的长进以及
更好的事奉。
3. 求爱
o 如果不打算结婚，你就不要进入这个阶段！
o 通过祷告、向教会领袖咨询、对灵命成熟程度和属灵能力的观察，共同寻求上帝的旨意。
o 祷告——安排一段时期的祷告，以决定是否明确这一特殊的关系。
o 咨询——蒙上帝祝福的关系不仅仅是两人之间的事，而应成为对众人的祝福。
o 应向教会领袖负责，这样可使我们不会做出错误决定，引起不必要的尴尬（尤其当发生单恋时），也不致影
响弟兄姊妹之间的关系。
o 向领袖负责意味着在做决定前就征询他们的意见，而不是决定做好后才通知他们。
o 高尚——把你们的关系完全交托给上帝，得到他的许可后再决定进一步地发展。
o 正直——维持正当的关系，最大限度地控制和约束自己。
o 在圣经（无条件）原则方面，双方必须相互认同，彼此欣赏，以一心一意事奉上帝为共同目标。
o 这个阶段可能需要几年时间，原因在于上帝可能需要对两人进行试验或进一步装备他们。因此双方必须耐心
等待上帝的时候来到，尤其当一方仍在学习或尚未成年时更该如此。
o 这一阶段并非一定要以确定关系和约会告终。
o 如果两人关系不能理想发展，他们仍可保持弟兄姊妹的关系，不会给对方带来伤痛。
4. 婚约
o 在得到上帝的确证以后，未婚夫妻就等于彼此有了结婚的承诺。到这个时侯约会才真正开始。
o 一旦有了婚约，尽管未婚夫妻的婚姻状况仍是未婚，人们却会把他们看作夫妻。
o 在这个阶段，性的诱惑越发强烈，因此抵制诱惑、保持圣洁变得更加重要。
o 双方在灵命上应该继续长进，但不应各自进步，而是应朝着建立家庭、共同事奉的方向发展。
o 继续向教会领袖负责，尤其是关于内心的思想意念，因为思想意念可能犯淫乱。
o 彼此之间不要太"粘乎"。重复一遍，蒙上帝祝福的关系不仅仅是对当事人双方的祝福。
5. 婚姻
o 持续一生之久的契约关系。
o 正确而完整的次序应该是：庆祝——在上帝和教会会众面前举行公开婚礼；承诺——按照传统成为丈夫和妻子；
完成——享受上帝的礼物——婚姻里的性关系。
o 次序必须正确而且完整
o 不要颠倒次序，把性放在首位。只有通过婚约的承诺才能获得性的满足。
如何选择终身伴侣：在恋爱前的友谊阶段就应考虑的因素
• 观察另一方的属灵生活；
o 重生的基督徒；
o 委身基督徒；
o 在基督的品性和思想方面已经成熟
o 作为补充和补偿因素的属灵恩赐
• 拥有从上帝而来的相同的异象；
• 从上帝、敬虔的婚姻顾问或教会领袖以及双方父母那里得到确证；
• 社会/精神结合适合性——教育 、年龄和文化；
• 喜爱和厌恶之物；
• 习惯；
• 态度，价值观和习惯应相似；
• 在情感上两人必须能够合作，在日常生活中他们应能够象朋友那样相互支持、友好相处；
• 身体结合适合性 - 身材如高矮胖瘦，健康情况，先天才干和禀赋
有一种严峻的检验标准可以让你知道是否该继续求爱过程，那就是：如果你的(a)牧道，(b)研究/事工以及(c)见证（对任何人都并非绊脚石）有长进，那么你们可以继续发展；否则就应停止和回头……
蒙上帝祝福的关系自然就能证明二人比一人强。如果事实不是这样，那我们就需要检查一下我们期望得到BGR的内心动机。可能我们并不具备正确的立足点。
这种关系必须有益于上帝的国度。假如我们按着上帝的计划奉献自己，我们就必能从上帝那里得到最好的祝福。
同时这种关系在资金准备、时间安排、成熟程度等方面是切实可行的。有的人会敢于把你需要但又不爱听的事情告诉你，你可向他们征求意见。
结论
实践无私的爱。
从天国的角度来思考。
单身时尽最大努力服事上帝。
错误的目的：
• 骄傲和向朋友们炫耀
• 性方面的满足
• 社会的压力
• 暂时和季节性的乐趣
• 不完全感
是否你们真的能通过彼此达到"完全"呢？
单身而未婚的人是正常人吗？
你们寻求最佳伴侣的出现，这一点有多重要？
耶和华 神说："那人独居不好，我要为他造一个配偶帮助他。"(创2:18)
圣经指出上帝并不是想让我们独身一人生活。然而首先我们必须认识到以下几点：
• 单身并不是一种咒诅，原因在于上帝造了我们，使我们独一无二并且有价值。
• 在单身时期你们得以与上帝建立更为亲密的关系，全身心地、毫无羁绊地服事上帝，装备自己。
• 在这一时期你们也可以通过学习以圣洁的方式彼此相爱来装备自己。
上面的经文也阐述了获得终身伴侣的正确目的：
• 获得同伴。婚姻是两个人之间最亲密的关系，仅次于个人与上帝之间的关系。
• 相互帮助。这意味着：
o 在拥有技能，品性和体格特征方面配偶必须相互补充，适合对方；
o
o 婚姻必须产生协力优势（较二人各自服事更为有效）；
o
o 他们必须互相支持和保护；
o
o 双方决心借着婚姻更有果效地共同服事上帝。
• 获得终身伴侣的另一个目的是生育敬虔的后代。
婚姻不是彩票游戏。成功的婚姻不是凭着偶尔"碰"对了人就能取得的。
婚姻是两个人之间的承诺。这一承诺的时限是他们整个的余生。上帝已经照着他的旨意，按着他的时间表为你预定好了你未来的配偶。而只有遵行他的计划才能使你的婚姻经受得住时间的考验。
恋人关系中应该了解的九个事实
1. 同婚前不发生性关系的未婚夫妻相比，婚前就有性行为的未婚男女更有可能在婚前分手。如果年轻女子在这
方面不让步，她倒更有希望与男友继续维持恋爱关系；
2. 尽管时代改变了，然而许多男士仍不愿意娶一位已经与其他人有过性关系的新娘。好男人都会尊敬那些正直
诚实的女性。如果有人向你威胁说，若你不和他婚前发生性关系，他就要把你甩了的话，你最好还是先把他
甩了吧；
3. 贞洁的人们有可能获得比失贞的人们更为快乐的婚姻。童贞只能给一个人，也只能给一次——你们肯定希望把
它交给那位上帝为你们指定的人儿；
4. 婚前有性行为的人更有可能在婚后分手或离婚。他们在婚前的性行为越多，就越有可能相互怀疑或猜疑；
5. 失贞的人们会认为和他人有性行为没有什么关系，因此他们在婚后更有可能犯奸淫；
6. 失贞的人们更容易上当而和不适和自己的人结婚。性可能使人变得盲目。因此我们需要检查一下自己内心的
动机是否的确不是出于性的驱使；
7. 有婚前性经验的人不太容易对婚后性生活的总体感到满意。你永远不会忘记"第一次"的经历，因而常常会去
做比较；
8. 婚前发生性行为可能会导致糟糕的婚姻。往往是一对未婚男女开始认真考虑他们之间的关系，认为将会与对
方结婚，于是便发生关系，后来才发现他们之间并不合适。然而或出于歉疚，或出于责任，他们被迫结婚；
9. 婚前发生性关系可能会破坏婚后的性生活，原因可能是一方或双方有负罪感、害怕以及自尊的丧失，也可能
是由于他们在性生活上轻易不能得到满足，因而寻找错误的方法去增强性能力。
十种关于爱的错误认识
1. 为度过一个美好的夜晚，女孩应该付出些什么——爱不是一种交易；
2. 只要不再有进一步的举动，亲吻和爱抚没有什么关系——亲吻和爱抚可能发展成另外的行为；
3. 有关异性约会的问题到发生时再考虑怎样处理也不迟——现在就做出决定，这样到了时候你才能在表达爱意之
前保持清醒头脑；
4. 基督徒可以与任何其他基督徒约会——基督徒约会基督徒是必须的条件，但并非唯一的先决条件；
5. 对某人感到强烈的爱意，那就是真爱——感觉是暂时的。真爱包含了承诺，并且必须是双方的承诺；
6. 一见钟情仍然存在——在大多数情况下一见钟情都不是真实的，它只是肉体的吸引。一个人是看不透别人的心
灵和思想的；
7. 答应对方的要求和他发生关系，他就会更加爱你和欣赏你——你是否希望你的配偶只是基于性的因素欣赏
你？
8. 如果你们彼此相爱并且关系富有意义，那么你们发生性关系就不算错——无论你们之间有多么相爱，即便你们
已有婚约，婚前性行为仍然是一种罪。上帝把性作为最宝贵的礼物，只是送给了已婚的夫妻们；
9. 快乐的婚姻只需要有好的性生活——性可以加强夫妻之间的联合，但它并非是最重要的因素；
10. 只有"我自己"才会了解和分辨什么是真爱，什么是痴迷——中国有句谚语说："不识庐山真面目，只缘身在此
山中"。你可能爱吃榴莲，但从未想到过榴莲的气味会影响到你周围的人。
几句忠告
1. 不要只为现时活着——婚姻是终身大事。
2. 不要只为好感活着--理智胜于感觉，应当寻求事实。
3. 不要犯奸淫——上帝恨恶罪恶。贪恋地抚摸他人的身体或亲吻对方，这和发生性关系一样都是罪。
4. 不要匆忙地确定关系——真爱可以等待。想想还要经过多少年你们才会结婚吧！而这婚姻将一直延续到你们生
命的终点。
5. 不要“随大流”——单身并不是坏事。对于单身的你，上帝有着他的目的。
6. 不要指望你能改变另一方而结婚——只有上帝才能改变一个人的品性。若你硬要自己去改变对方，那只会以争
斗和争论告终。
7. 不要同居试婚——这样是对你婚姻生活特权的剥夺。
8. 不要和非基督徒约会——基督徒和非基督徒的人生目标不同。在大多数情形下，往往是非基督徒使基督徒远离
上帝，而不是基督徒把非基督徒带到上帝的面前。
9. 如果你不想结婚，那就不要和对方约会。否则你不但自己不能专心仰望上帝，而且还会影响另一位基督徒的
生活。另外，你们还可能关系破裂，那样只会给双方带来伤痛。
真正的爱是什么？
尚未有人得以完全领会那种与上帝之爱类似的完全的爱，可我们还是能够逐渐更深地了解这种爱。因此如果想要知道如何去爱，最重要的一点就是我们去了解上帝是怎样爱我们的，以及我们如何能够爱上帝。
如何明确敬虔圣洁的关系——关系发展的5个阶段
1. 团契
o 在地方教会的环境中，信徒们之间互相负责任。在这一阶段我们的责任就是激发彼此的信心。
o 我们之间的关系是普通的主内弟兄姊妹的关系。
2. 友谊
o 较一般弟兄间的关系更为亲密，彼此有更多的机会在一起工作和服事上帝，并且卓有成效。
o 这一阶段是单纯的友谊和工作伙伴关系，之间没有隐秘的动机。
o 在日常的环境中彼此进行了解，诸如对方对他人的举止/态度，在分派的工场里是否值得信赖，服事上帝是否
一贯持久，对教会领袖们修正言行的反应如何。
o 观察对方如何应对生活中的难处（工作压力、生活危机管理等等）。
o 能直率地纠正彼此的错误。
o 能完全地利用包括个人和工作伙伴这两方面的属灵恩赐。
o 这个阶段里，上帝分别对各人的品性做炼净的工作，但不是作为婚姻的预备，而是为了各人灵命的长进以及
更好的事奉。
3. 求爱
o 如果不打算结婚，你就不要进入这个阶段！
o 通过祷告、向教会领袖咨询、对灵命成熟程度和属灵能力的观察，共同寻求上帝的旨意。
o 祷告——安排一段时期的祷告，以决定是否明确这一特殊的关系。
o 咨询——蒙上帝祝福的关系不仅仅是两人之间的事，而应成为对众人的祝福。
o 应向教会领袖负责，这样可使我们不会做出错误决定，引起不必要的尴尬（尤其当发生单恋时），也不致影
响弟兄姊妹之间的关系。
o 向领袖负责意味着在做决定前就征询他们的意见，而不是决定做好后才通知他们。
o 高尚——把你们的关系完全交托给上帝，得到他的许可后再决定进一步地发展。
o 正直——维持正当的关系，最大限度地控制和约束自己。
o 在圣经（无条件）原则方面，双方必须相互认同，彼此欣赏，以一心一意事奉上帝为共同目标。
o 这个阶段可能需要几年时间，原因在于上帝可能需要对两人进行试验或进一步装备他们。因此双方必须耐心
等待上帝的时候来到，尤其当一方仍在学习或尚未成年时更该如此。
o 这一阶段并非一定要以确定关系和约会告终。
o 如果两人关系不能理想发展，他们仍可保持弟兄姊妹的关系，不会给对方带来伤痛。
4. 婚约
o 在得到上帝的确证以后，未婚夫妻就等于彼此有了结婚的承诺。到这个时侯约会才真正开始。
o 一旦有了婚约，尽管未婚夫妻的婚姻状况仍是未婚，人们却会把他们看作夫妻。
o 在这个阶段，性的诱惑越发强烈，因此抵制诱惑、保持圣洁变得更加重要。
o 双方在灵命上应该继续长进，但不应各自进步，而是应朝着建立家庭、共同事奉的方向发展。
o 继续向教会领袖负责，尤其是关于内心的思想意念，因为思想意念可能犯淫乱。
o 彼此之间不要太"粘乎"。重复一遍，蒙上帝祝福的关系不仅仅是对当事人双方的祝福。
5. 婚姻
o 持续一生之久的契约关系。
o 正确而完整的次序应该是：庆祝——在上帝和教会会众面前举行公开婚礼；承诺——按照传统成为丈夫和妻子；
完成——享受上帝的礼物——婚姻里的性关系。
o 次序必须正确而且完整
o 不要颠倒次序，把性放在首位。只有通过婚约的承诺才能获得性的满足。
如何选择终身伴侣：在恋爱前的友谊阶段就应考虑的因素
• 观察另一方的属灵生活；
o 重生的基督徒；
o 委身基督徒；
o 在基督的品性和思想方面已经成熟
o 作为补充和补偿因素的属灵恩赐
• 拥有从上帝而来的相同的异象；
• 从上帝、敬虔的婚姻顾问或教会领袖以及双方父母那里得到确证；
• 社会/精神结合适合性——教育 、年龄和文化；
• 喜爱和厌恶之物；
• 习惯；
• 态度，价值观和习惯应相似；
• 在情感上两人必须能够合作，在日常生活中他们应能够象朋友那样相互支持、友好相处；
• 身体结合适合性 - 身材如高矮胖瘦，健康情况，先天才干和禀赋
有一种严峻的检验标准可以让你知道是否该继续求爱过程，那就是：如果你的(a)牧道，(b)研究/事工以及(c)见证（对任何人都并非绊脚石）有长进，那么你们可以继续发展；否则就应停止和回头……
蒙上帝祝福的关系自然就能证明二人比一人强。如果事实不是这样，那我们就需要检查一下我们期望得到BGR的内心动机。可能我们并不具备正确的立足点。
这种关系必须有益于上帝的国度。假如我们按着上帝的计划奉献自己，我们就必能从上帝那里得到最好的祝福。
同时这种关系在资金准备、时间安排、成熟程度等方面是切实可行的。有的人会敢于把你需要但又不爱听的事情告诉你，你可向他们征求意见。
结论
实践无私的爱。
从天国的角度来思考。
单身时尽最大努力服事上帝。
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